Please critique (+ vote on) my headlines -- Thanks!...
 

1)...

2)...

3)...

4)...

5)...

6)...

________________________

I'd love to hear your thoughts + suggestions on these headlines. Thanks!!

-- TW

Re: Please critique (+ vote on) my headlines -- Thanks!...
 

#3.

But you have to qualify the offer further in the salesletter. Give a reason why as to why you're giving 30 minute consultations for free.

And also errect barriers in place to only get qualified leads so that you don't get tire kickers to waste your time on free consults.

HOT PINK MERCEDES-Imitate How Gary Halbert Tested Headlines
 

Dear TW,

Thanks for listing some headlines.

Un-tested. I can tell.

Because none of them make me WANT to know more.
(No offense. I just had my own Ezine readers tell me the same thing.
I THANKED them. Wrote some Better headlines. ASKED their opinion again.)

Perhaps if I tell you how Gary Halbert (The guy who taught me to write)
tested his headlines that would help.

Years ago I was on the phone with Gary. Gary liked to talk to folks while
driving around in his car. One of his copy cubs (writers in training) would
drive.

Every couple minutes Gary would say, "Excuse me. Gotta' talk to
somebody." I'd hear some mumbling. Then he was back. This happened
over and over again.

Eventually - Gary handed the phone to his driver to talk to me while he
chatted with a crowd of women.

I was curious!

I asked the driver. "Why do people come over to your car and talk at every
stop light and crosswalk?

The kid said, "It's Embarrassing. Gary repainted his Mercedes HOT PINK.
Wherever we go women run over to the car Ooooh and aaahhh over it.
And then Gary asks their opinion of a sales letter he's working on. Drives
me nuts. I've heard it 50 times today."

I asked him, "Wow, but it sounds like you have more than one woman there
at the car now?"

"You can hear them? One girl comes over. Then a 2nd one. Then a third.
Pretty soon Gary is chatting to a crowd. Guys too."

I laughed. "The men LIKE the HOT PINK car?" I asked. "No, they think I'm
gay. But Gary doesn't care. He just LAUGHS. He's not driving!"

====================
====================
ACTION SUMMARY -

I hung up and promptly had the lady who makes my CHAIN MAILE ties make
me a HOT PINK metal tie. (Which works GREAT. Where-ever I go women
come over to compliment my tie.)

Because I recognized what Gary was doing.
Cuz I do it too.
Just not as efficiently!

Gary was attracting 100's of people over to his car.

Testing headlines. Subheads.
Opening Sentences.
The Reason Why.
And Offers on them until people started to say, "WHERE can I get that
product?"

THEN he'd go back to the office and write up a Guaranteed Winner. I know
they were winners Because I've been in the room many times when Gary
CLEARED the entire seminar room.

He'd READ a sales letter at a seminar.

70% of the people there rushed outside to order whatever he was s elling.
You can ONLY do that when you've Tested your copy lots and lots of times.

AHA!

Now we know ow Gary did it. So You can do it too.

So I ask my buyers
over and over "WHAT DO YOU WANT To BUY"

Give them --Thank You Bribes-- to get their Opinions.

Then create the WINNING product.

"UGLY COPYWRITING..." (for example) was a clear winner and has sold well.

Thanks,
Glenn Osborn

P.S. - The RULE is only borrow Proven, mega-successful Headlines. You can
starve trying to write your own....

Click on the link - Below - And You'll SEE the exact words I used to adapt
Gary's 1.00 bill letter Strategy. Put it right after the DEAR FRIEND, part of
my "UGLY" Sales Letter.

I use it a lot because that sucker has grossed billions - if you count Gary, his
clients and his readers.

Borrow the most profitable ideas you can find.

http://archive.enchantednlp.com/products.php?id=79

Hi Glenn -- Re: Please critique (+ vote on) my headlines -- Thanks!...
 

Hi Glenn...

I really appreciate you trying to help me.

For years you have been a complete enigma to me.

I am soon to be 51 years old. Who knows how many years I have left on the planet. So, I must ask myself how much time I should devote to trying to figure you out.

On the one hand, you seem to know what you're talking about. And you seem to be successful -- maybe even under-the-radar super successful -- I can't tell.

I see your ebay auction descriptions -- which force me to say, "HUH?!?!" or sometimes "Who in the WORLD is taking this seriously?!?!" -- Then I see dozens of bids, rising to tremendous amounts -- AND getting 100% RAVE REVIEWS -- thus forcing me to say, "DOUBLE HUH!?!? -- CAN'T BE -- but it *IS*!!"

Let me be clear -- NO ONE CAN ARGUE WITH SUCCESS!

And, who knows what else you've got going -- equally successful.

On the other hand, you seem to be the James Joyce of copywriting. I guess your copywriting MUST be 'hypnotic' -- cuz it sure ain't lucid.

As for myself...

I'm trying to...

A) Get positive responses to my solicitations (from small biz owners + other audiences)

AND

B) Not get carted off to the looney bin

I must get my message across -- without running the risk the recipient might think
the sales letter is a manifesto from the uni-bomber.

Please, Glenn, don't get me wrong -- if YOU are successful doing what you're doing -- MORE POWER TO YA!!

But, as for ME seeing + catching on to what you are doing (copywriting-wise) -- you lost me.

The verbal ball of wool is too difficult (for ME) to untangle. It just takes too much 'meditation' (or medication?)

There's quirky -- then there's around-the-bend quirky.

With the limited time I have left in (productive) life, I must be VERY VERY choosy about whuch 'gurus' I pick to 'glorify.'

At a this point I have to take each 'book' -- hold it up next to my face -- look myself SQUARELY in the mirror, and ask -- "Am I ever ***REALLY*** gonna read this book???"

If the answer is 'no,' I MUST (for my own sanity), put the book down forever, and move on.

Spending money wisely is important, spending time wisely is important -- and spending "glorification capital" wisely is perhaps most important of all.

I'm NOT saying the emperor (in this case) has no clothes -- in fact, I'm sure the emperor DOES have clothes. I'm saying *I* personally am unable to see the clothes -- and I've officially given up trying.

Yes -- I understand -- It's probably my loss. Acres of diamonds, blah, blah.

Cheers.

-- TW

Re: Hi Glenn -- Re: Please critique (+ vote on) my headlines -- Thanks!...
 

Thanks TW.

De-crypting Glenn's last post - he is saying:

i. Test your words on the actual end users / buyers.

ii. Or better yet, start by asking the end users what they want to buy. Listen to them. And then give them what they want. Using their own words.

iii. Start copywriting by adapting the words used by kickass copywriters that have already worked - instead of starting to write the headlines from scratch.

----

I have referred Glenn and his website to a few folks before. And have always received mixed response. I think Glenn is the master of polarization. I'm not sure if he has crafted this image with a lot of care or if it just came about... but he is one of the few people who has been able to manage polarization in a way that:

i. People who love him - love him
ii. Others just feel confused or indifferent

Usually - polarization happens with love / hate. Not love / confusion. (The only other person who I can think of who had the exact same reaction from folks is R Buckminster Fuller.)

Glenn uses his writing as a barrier to entry. Not everyone can get past his writing. But the people who do - love the topics he writes on. I'm pretty sure that Glenn's refund rates - and he offers a 365 day refund option - are very very low. Thats because his writing style does the job of attracting his right people very well. And keeping others at bay.

Also - if you do spend the time to deconstruct one of his salesletters, you will find the AIDA formula at work there too. But just that things are jumbled around a bit. And bullet points and testimonials are strewn around as sharpnels. Which makes the salesletters messy but very very effective.

Re: Please critique (+ vote on) my headlines -- Thanks!...
 

Hi Ankesh...

As I said, I'm sure there IS something to what Glenn does. I've always been sure of that. I'm quirky + I'm naturally attracted to quirky.

But, way-over-the-edge quirky takes WORK to wade through (James Joyce analogy) - and I just decided I don't want to expend the time/energy (ever again).

But here's a question...

Having a non-effective headline lowers response rate, yes?

Therefore it's part of a marketer's 'responsibility' to create (or swipe) ever more effective headlines. Makes sense.

Question is, how in the world do you (in the same breath) give a 'pass' to someone who's very STYLE "polarizes" the reader -- something which, by definition, LOWERS response rate(s). That polarization turns readers off as badly as any lousy headline would, it would appear -- no?

9/10 people receiving a "Glenn special" letter out of the blue (EVEN IF he 'selects' his audience carefully) will look at it for 12 seconds, declare, "WEIRDO," then toss it in the trash -- no?

When you say, "De-crypting," what you really mean is, he's basically not speaking English. He is making the reader "learn a new hobby" and jump through the de-crypting hoop.

That is a response rate CRUSHER -- as bad as any crappy headline -- no?

Like saying, "How to read this letter -- 1) Hold it up to a mirror... 2) Cross out every third letter... 3) Stand on your head..."

No one is going to go to the trouble of doing that -- no matter how "charming/quirky" the writer is trying to be.

It's a SPECTRUM. In my opinion Glenn has crossed over from the Paul Harvey end, right into the James Joyce red zone. The ore per ton of dirt ratio is too low! It just takes too much damn EFFORT to slog through.

So, why "tsk, tsk" bad headlines, whilst "allowing" a narrowly appealing overall STYLE (that also severely REDUCES response rates)??

-- TW

What I don't understand TW, is, why are you writing headlines?
 

You recently posted that you were going to have a Don Alm summer. Right?

And you gave him (us) the three examples of what you are going to be doing, right?

Christmas coupons, pizza boxes (or something like that) and hotel channel guides.

So my question is, what are you writing headlines for? A different project?

In this post about your HEADLINES, you don't tell us what it is going to be used for, which certainly makes a difference as to what kind of headline and whatever comes after it, is to be used.

Alm projects are shoeleather in the street, and having done a few of them, they almost all depend on face to face presentations.

Especially the 3 you mention you are going to do. So, I was just wondering WHAT will you be using the headlines for? HOW do you help local businesses get more customers?

The answer determines what headline, if any of those, might be tested first.

Are you going to do "Alm esque" stuff for a few hours a week, and then do something with a 'direct marketing' aspect to it too?

I'm confused as to what you need headlines for.

Gordon

Good question, Gordon...
 

I wanted to see if, perhaps, there was a way to get biz's to call me re: the Alm stuff. Maybe have a direct mail piece that would do some of the pre-prospecting work for me -- the sorting. And/or have a letter in an envelope marked confidential I could leave with the name of the owner handwritten on the envelope to LEAVE with the employee when I walked into the biz unannounced and the owner was NOT there. At least that might maximize the use of my time + gas to do the in-person canvassing -- so, when an owner was not in, it would not be a TOTAL loss, potentially.

-- TW

OK, that makes sense. Next question...what does Don use for this?
 

OK TW,

I get it. But again, it is what comes after the headline which will help you write one.

How "developed" is your marketing piece? Is it a letter in an envelope? Then you first have to get the envelope opened.

A direct mail piece could be a postcard, a letter or a flyer or a "lumpy" package, etc.

I think you are trying to get businesses to raise their hands and say, "yes, I want more customers, what have you got for me?"

IF this is correct, then the advice would be to CUSTOMIZE every piece of mail. A little more time consuming, but much more effective. Example, you want a Dry Cleaner to advertise on your Pizza Box (now the pizza guy gets the boxes for FREE, so that should be an easy "sale", right?).

So your direct mail piece might have the teaser on the envelope, "How Dry Cleaners have found a way to get 22% more customers..." (Read How Inside) type of thing.

THEN, your headline matches up to the business, giving you much better chance of getting a face to face...so using YOUR headlines, it would look something like:

"Give me a 15 minute meeting at your Dry Cleaner (best if you name it) and I'll show you how to get up to 27% more customers..." etc.

Now, with today's cut and paste features, you just insert a new name into the Dry Cleaner slot...and you customize your letter.

See, you'll find that EVERY businessman thinks HIS business is unique...so if you speak in general business terms...he'll discount your message right from the start...BUT,

if you talk about HIS business, and how you have tested and proven methods to increase HIS business, you'll be greeted with a much more open mind which will save you tons of time, gas money and shoe leather.

YEA, it takes a little more effort and time to CUSTOMIZE your direct mail piece (not much)...but the results will be worth it...provided you have a good presentation and an Almlike "sample" of the product when you do get a call.

So, my OPINION is, the best headline is using some of what you have along with a custom tailored direct mail piece that will get the prospect thinking about HIS business in specific, not some general biz idea.

Also, and please let us know, but, I think you're going to find this direct mail effort to be a lot of wasted time...why not just use the phone? Then call in person? Hope you find a way to make it work though.

Gordon Alexander

Re: Please critique (+ vote on) my headlines -- Thanks!...
 

Actually - polarization increases the response rate.

A. Do you want to be mediocre for 100% of the population?

B. Or do you want 10% of the population to absolutely go gaga over you while letting the other 90% hate you?

B wins almost every time.

Thats why Fox News has become the biggest news cable channel out there.

Polarization decreases the population pool*. But increases the conversion and retention rates.

* Unless you are someone like Howard Stern. People who hate Howard Stern listen to him twice as long as people who love him :p

----

(Not sure where I was tsk-ing any headlines... I thought your #3 was pretty good actually.)

Three years ago, Bill O'Reilly w...then came the weeping and k-gnashing of teeth...
 

AND bada B OO M Glenn Beck becomes an overnight sensation...his old show had an audience, but, it was after he POLARIZED the people...and got the smaller numbers but the more ARDENT followers...then other's jumped on the band wagon.

I agree with you Ankesh re polarization. I might argue INTENT comes first and is paramount to knowing why you want to polarize.

IF Glenn does polarize people, then he does so for a reason. He is very good at what he does and his fans and followers and CUSTOMERS have done him well.

I "had" that tendency many moons ago, only it was Love/Hate, not much ambivalence toward me...you should read my hate mail...

not much these days, but back then...my "opinions" were lightning rods which attracted all sorts of thunder...HA!

Now I'm old and mellow, and without opinion, and UNIVERSALLY loved too.

Ah, the UNpolarized masses of affection...have driven me to the poor house. I was better off telling people to kiss my ****...HA!

Gordon

Ankesh...
 

I'm not understanding your fine distinction.

A) Bad headline... causes fewer people to read further.

B) Sales letter not written in understandable English ("martian" -- requires de-crypting)... causes fewer people to read further.

Result (in both cases), decreased results.

-- TW

PS: The audience I want to reach are... 1) Busy + 2) Speak English. I need an effective headline to break through their busy-ness filter -- AND I need my letter to be written in understandable English (not requiring them to 'learn a new hobby' to read it). I need BOTH. To my way of thinking, a "Glenn style" letter would not give me both. Yes, yes -- how do I know if I haven't TRIED it. I'm just saying -- to me, they seem not to be written in ENGLISH (even)!! But maybe that's what "heroine or LSD or crack on paper" looks like [or whatever that catch phrase he used, is]

Re: Ankesh...
 

A) Bad headline = fewer readers. But not all of these fewer readers are the right audience for your offer.

B) Polarized headline / salesletter = fewer readers. But almost all of these fewer readers are the right audience. Only those who connect with you will read on. So response rates actually increase.

That is the difference.

----

I'm in no way advocating you to copy Glenn's style. Or to even polarize your audience (I'm not much of a polarizer myself). I was just trying to explain:

Sales Ideas from 3 Successful Pizza Box Salesmen
 

Dear TW,

Thanks for giving us more info.

I agree with Gordon. Forget the headlines.

I've consulted with several guys who sell advertising on Pizza Boxes.

The 1st Guy in New York - Basically bribed managers and gave kickbacks.
The owner never knew. You probly don't want to imitate him. (I tried to
help him use Legit ideas)

Guy #2 - Was part owner of a Georgia radio station. So he used unsold
space to pitch his Pizza Box Advertising. (Not a good fit for you, either)

Guy #3 - You might like, however. He's in Vermont.

A - He made a list of all the retail owners in a zip code.
B - Called on the phone to check the owner/manager was there. (Heh, heh -
he had a trick question that got him the TRUTH. Tricky to splain here.)
C - Walked in the door with a Pizza Box full of ADS - EXCEPT a Deli.

The pitch was - "Are YOU going to advertise here. Or are you going to let
one of your Deli owning competitors (He showed them the list) get all this
business? - 10,000 pizza boxes go out every week.

Try that.

Forget the Headlines.

Thanks,
Glenn Osborn

P.S. - TW - I appreciate your comments. My writing makes some LAUGH
while it puzzles others.

The ones who LAUGH (& profit) - buy everything I do. Those people are my
niche market.

P.P.S. - This is the guy who made 9 Grand in 5 days from an idea in my
book. A note he just sent me. "GREETINGS, Glenn!! I have been
experimenting with some ideas in "Ugly Copywriting" that I bought. You
have added some excitement to my life."

And my Ebay -writing for money- Hobby is FUN.

Another 365 day guaranteed - best seller on Ebay...(6 visible sales and a lot
more direct to me)

"Napoleon Hill GHOST MIND - Video Book"

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll...ht_8176wt_1167

Re: "Alm-Type" projects. My suggestion/s
 

Hey TW....with "Shoeleather On the Ground" type of projects (GJ's words absolutely describes what I do)....the "Alm-type" projects...do NOT use any kind of "PRE-Qualifiying" sales piece! It's a waste of time & money!

MY kinda projects are NOT "Mail Order" where you're looking to get prospects to send you a check. MY projects are..."WHAM, BAM, THANK YA, MAAM!" and there's ONLY 2 ways to get "leads" for these;

1) Phone Calls to OWNERS of businesses...introduce yourself, tell him what you're doing and where...how he can benefit (what's in it for him)...and I tell them, "It's too hard to explain on the phone, would you have a Quick Minute this afternoon or would tomorrow morning be better?"
Only problem with the Phone is; Prospects CAN'T SEE your Full Color Sample and it's Too Easy to turn you down.

2) In person Cold Calls....I just barge in...find the owner...show him my sample...explain what it does and where it's going. I wait for him to ask me "How Much"...I then tell him and offer an incentive to BUY NOW (I usually drop the $30 Setup Fee)....and write up the order.

Granted...you may "burn extra gas" because the Hardest part of doing these projects is..."Finding The Owner IN!"

However...a few weeks ago, when I was returning from a trip to Eugene, OR, as I was coming to a tiny town called Creswell, OR...I saw a newly built Comfort Inn on the side of the highway. I turned in...showed the GM one of my sample TV Channel Guides...he have permission to put them into his rooms.

I then went to the Pizzeria he suggested....sold the owner a space on the front...went next door to a Chinese Restaurant (sold her)...then across the street to a family rest (sold the sisters)...then to a Beauty Salon (sold her)

Whammo...Bango...$1800 in less than 2 hours.

You will NOT get biz owners to respond on any of MY Advertising programs by mailing something to them! Period! End!

However...if you are selling "Websites" or "Website Enhancement" programs, that's a different ballgame!

I make up a Full Color PostCard of a businesses website (the top of the home page)...place in some of the problems I see or what I would do to improve it, with white Quote Boxes and arrows pointing.

THAT will GRAB their attention! Why? Because it is THEIR OWN WEBSITE they are looking at...on the PostCard! This is POWERFUL!

I can send you a Sample of what I'm referring to if you send me a PM. This is CRAZY! I use Send Out Cards to do this. Out of 20 PostCards sent out last week...EIGHT responded with wanting to know more.

It's the PERSONALIZATION that is the Grabber. They INSTANTLY RECOGNIZE THEIR OWN WEBSITE!

I think SOC still charges $99 to join.

So...you can also give me a call.

Don Alm....STILL selling
http://www.midasreports.com

Re: Sales Ideas from 3 Successful Pizza Box Salesmen
 

Hi Glenn,

This post really hits home with me. Thanks for the information.

I am particularly interested in learning what "Guy #3" said on the phone when he called to check if the owner was in.

Would you be so kind as to email me the "trick" question that got him the truth. I would sure appreciate it.

All the Best,

Monty
theloanguy2004 at yahoo

P.S. I tried to PM you but I don't yet have the necessary 10 posts.

Especially for Sales People
 

Thanks Monte,

The "Trick Question" you asked about -- changes from situation to
situation.

Basically you ask a Question that FORCES them to hunt for the boss. Or
requires the Manager to come to the phone.


In this situation we "FORCED" them to give us their fax #.

Case Study -

A customer wanted to fax a sales letter to a series of Veterinarian Clinics
in Modesto, CA.

He called me to complain.

"Nobody will give me their fax #'s."

I told him to put me on the phone with ANYBODY who said "No."

Ring Ring...

"Hello, Robbers and Thieves Veterinarian Clinic Sophie speaking."

I said, "I Owe You MONEY. But I can't read the invoice You sent me for my
wife's FUZZ FACED Monster. Can You Give Me a Fax # so I can clear this up.
And PAY You?"

Sophie says, "Sure, here's the # sir. 000-000-0000

This is what I mean by a "trick question."

If it's a CEO you want to call cold - the "Trick Question" takes some Prep
time. Clients hire me to get them on the phone with CEO's or Affluent Biz
Owners in ONE Phone call. So I've had practice.

If it's a successful business owner, you do a little research Before you call.

Each situation is Unique.

But GREED Inducing "Trick Questions" are usually safe. The SIZE of the
phone BRIBE is all that changes. And knowing what they want. AND what
keeps them awake nights. Worrying.

EZ to spot in their Trade Journals.

Glenn

Monty - A Golf Course Country Club "Trick Question" Example
 

Thanks Monty,

Soooo.

The more successful the biz owner the larger your "Trick Question."

At a local networking group meeting the owner was talking about
having a local country club host his event.

"But I can't seem to get the owner of the Country Club
on the phone. And the Manager says he can't make the decision."

I got his permission to do some research.

Didn't Tell him WHAT the research was. "The Research" was a variation
of my "Trick Question."

I ALREADY KNEW -

A client paid Emeril Lagasse 50K to host a Vinters/Golf weekend. When I
looked him up Emeril had just opened a "ChopShop" at the Sands Casino
in Bethlehem, PA.

So I called the most expensive Baltimore Country Club to ask, "Who Do
I talk to in order to Find Out what dates and times are available to Rent
Your Entire Country Club facility for a weekend?

"My client wants to fly Chef Emeril Lagasse down from a visit to his
Bethlehem, PA Restaurant to host a cooking competition btwn
local Restaurant Chefs. (I'd been involved in a smaller event competition for
a Local Charity.)

Charity donations by guests who want a chef to come home and cook a meal
- go to the Cal Ripkin Sr kids Charity.

"Then I name dropped the owners of several Other Local Resorts-Country
Clubs and Plus the Name of their BIG BOSS. The biggest investor.

THE MANAGER came on the line. Ended up giving me the Private Ph #
of his boss... When we couldn't reach him right away.

Did I Lie or even exaggerate?

NOPE.

No Project goes as planned. It IS a good idea. But I Knew I was Probly calling in too tight a window. So it was SAFE to call and ask.
AND IF he said "YES".

Easy to contact local Charity, Casino Investors, call up The ChopShop to get
Emerils Schedule and Fee for the project.

Some variation of the idea IS Very POSSIBLE.

After all, Emeril has done this before for OTHER Country Clubs.

MY GOAL...

To talk directly with the Big Boss.

We did talk. But he couldn't do it that season. Already booked. But our
conversation bopped back to other, smaller, Projects and options...

Like...

What it would cost the local Networking Co owner to host his Big Event at
the Country club instead of a local Banquet Facility.

By the way...

The Swanky Country Club wanted an arm and a leg. And the schedules didn't
match up. So it was "No Go."

But fun to Chat with the owner. (And a new name/# in the rolodex is a good
thing.)

Thanks,
Glenn

Re: Good question, Gordon...
 

Well, ways to find out are look at how people react to you. If you are getting the feeling that you're being misunderstood, then maybe brush up on your basic manners and behavior and monitor yourself to see if you might be making any blunders.

6 Degrees ?
 

Thanks for the tips Glenn.

The most useful tip I can contribute when trying to get someone on the phone, is to ask the gatekeeper "is Mr. So-and-So there?" ... not may I speak to him.

"Is Mr Osborn there? " ... somehow an unusual question. I don't know exactly why this works, but it does.

Maybe by asking if the boss "is there" it catches them off guard and you do not get the run-around and it is easier then to ask to be connected.

So what ideas do you have for the 6-Degrees theory of getting anyone in the world on the phone?

Re: Please critique (+ vote on) my headlines -- Thanks!...
 

What do you do if you don't know their name before hand?

Re: Please critique (+ vote on) my headlines -- Thanks!...
 

You ask ? :D

Make call one the data mining call. Then call back ...

..or ..

Call and ask who the boss is ... and then ask "is he there" ... this works too and employees forget to do the "he is busy/not available dance" , because either he is there or he is not and if he is not then you get to know when he is present again.