How To Be Charismatic?
 

I think this would be a good topic to discuss:

Can we become more charismatic than we are?

If yes - how can we become more charismatic?

Any thoughts?

Re: How To Be Charismatic?
 

This example from a class I attended may get some debate going.

First, it was a human sexuality class, near the end of the semester. The professor asked us to vote on the sexiest man and sexiest woman in the class.
The man who 'won' was fat, bald, and had a personality that sparkled with humor, cheer, and good will...an all-around nice guy. He was voted 'most charismatic'.

Sandi Bowman

Re: How To Be Charismatic?
 

I'm afraid to ask -- how would you describe the woman that won?

This is a big topic, I think. At the risk of starting a firestorm, there's a big difference between charismatic + sexy. Often they are mutually exclusive. For white american men -- in our CURRENT culture (things change every so often -- but it's a SLOW process) -- a woman's body shape has a lot to do with who is 'sexy' and who is not (read: size 2 or so).

Women's views about women's weight + body shape are VERY different from MEN'S views about women's weight + body shape.

If Julia Roberts had weighed 15 more pounds (or even just 10 lbs more), she could never have ('legitimately') starred in a movie called "Pretty Woman" (unless it was supposed to be satire).

It's like the OJ verdict -- each side does not, and cannot, understand where the other side is 'coming from.' It's best left as an unspoken, taboo topic.

It's ok to make a movie titled, "What women want." However, you do NOT want to see a movie titled, "What men want." Trust me.

But, if you're asking about charisma, that's a whole different thing.

-- TW

Re: How To Be Charismatic?
 

Paraphrased from the Wikipedia site, charismatic individuals generally project:

• Unusual calmness.
• Confidence.
• Assertiveness.
• Dominance.
• Focus.
• Superb communication and/or oratorical skills.
• Authenticity.

Calmness comes from within, and I think it would take a huge effort to develop a calm attitude if one wasn't naturally that way.

Confidence comes from experience or practice, so one could work in that direction.

Assertiveness, dominance, and focus go hand in hand. You either are or you're not, although it's possible to learn the moves and then practice until you gain confidence and the calmness that goes with the package.

Focus comes from conciously applying all the above traits.

Communication is the result of all the above, as one can't be charismatic by himself.

I purposely left authenticity for last in my list. It has been my experience that charismatic individuals only give the appearance of authenticity, and are usually far from authentic. TV preachers come to mind, along with many politicians, and some of the so called gurus of the various scam businesses.

I think it's possible to learn the techniques employed by the charismatics. It comes naturally to the true charismatic, just like the pathological liar. Often they are one and the same. Not to say that all charismatics are liars or bad people, it just seems that crap floats to the top where it's visible.

Is it possible to become more charismatic? I don't think so. That would be like becoming more pregnant. You never hear of someone being sort of charismatic.

Is it possible to develop personality traits that allow one to achieve greater success in sales? Definitely. You don't have to be a charismatic to be a nice, friendly, attentive, and caring person.

Re: How To Be Charismatic?
 

Hi Ankesh,

Great topic! :)

When I was a teenager, I read Dale Carnegie's famous book, "How to win friends and influence people". The main thing I remember from that book is to ask about people's interests. So I tried doing that... The danger is that it can turn into an "interview"! E.g.

Me: "What are your hobbies?"
Other person: "Oh, I like to listen to music, and I like watching movies."
Me: "Oh, what kind of movies do you like to watch?"
Other person: "I like science fiction movies."
Me: "Oh, which science fiction movies do you like the most?"
etc. etc.

However, if you can find something in common, then it works out! E.g.

Other person: "Oh, I like horseback riding, growing orchids, and watching martial arts movies."
Me: "Oh! I love martial arts movies too! Do you have a favorite?"
etc. etc.

Anyway, I don't know if it's "charismatic", but this does make it "easier" to talk to people... Find out their interests, and then try to talk about what interests them (especially if you discover you have a shared interest in common)...

Also, when I was single and in my 20s (and I'm not sure I should admit this!), I read a book called "Intimate Connections" by David D. Burns. It's a book about "finding a loving partner". He gave some basic advice, like dress well, try not to stay unbathed for too many days in a row, that kind of thing. :)

However, another piece of advice he gave was to give genuine compliments. That is, to find something you can genuinely compliment in somebody else, and then tell it to them. I've found that practically everybody has at least some good traits, which you can compliment them on once you get to know them a little bit. It felt "strange" at first, but over time it becomes more natural...

The key is to make sure that your compliments are truly genuine, something you really do like about the person. For example, you can say things like... "Wow, that's a nice top you're wearing, you really look good in it"... "You're a sharp guy, I love your ideas"... "Well, you're not afraid to speak your mind, that takes courage"... (I thought of real people I know when I wrote each of these compliments, so they are all actually genuine.)

Anyway, as long as you keep it genuine, it's cool. You're not lying - you're telling the truth - and you're simply sharing that truth with that person. Of course, everybody loves to feel that they are loved and appreciated.

Also, everyone loves to laugh. Being funny, I think, also helps a lot with charisma. One guy I know is very talented in telling funny stories about his past experiences. At any gathering, he's usually the "life of the party" and has everyone laughing so hard they can't breathe. I think that's a kind of charisma too!

Ankesh, I look forward to hearing your ideas later on too!

Cheers :)

Dien

P.S. I've always been a big fan of Ankesh's ideas... You should check out his websites, one of them is here... http://www.ankeshkothari.com ... You'll discover, for example, "How To Get Smart People To Send You Cool Goodies For Free", and other cool stuff. I don't get a dime from saying this. :)

Re: How To Be Charismatic?
 

Tw, to be truthful I don't recall the woman that won. Guess she didn't make that much of an impression on me. Sorry to disappoint you.

Sandi Bowman

Re: How To Be Charismatic?
 

Hi Sandi -- I'm not disappointed. I was just theorizing that perhaps *looks* played a bigger role in determining which woman was more 'sexy' than it would in determining which man was more 'sexy.'

It's a venus/mars thing.

-- TW

Re: How To Be Charismatic?
 

Thanks All.

I have a friend. We recently went to a tech / blogging event. During one of the presentations - we went outside of the auditorium. And my friend started sharing his stories. Next thing you know - the auditorium was empty and a 100 people were outside listening to my friend talk.

The next talk in the auditorium got cancelled when folks asked my friend to go in and continue his impromptu talk.

That is where this thought came into my mind: I would love to be as charismatic as him!

I'm not sure how charisma can be hacked as of yet. But here are a few ideas:

1.You need to have your presence felt. My friend is very tall and bulky for an Indian. Indians are short people (where 6 feet is considered a giant). My friend is 6 feet 4 inches or something. Very commanding presence. At least in India.

(Research does show that CEOs are taller than the average public.)

If you lack bodily command - you need to create your own command. Seth Godin went bald to achieve commanding presence. Lorrie Morgan Ferrero wears a cowboy hat.

(Dominance)

2. You need to be a super speaker. My friend is an excellent funny speaker. Speaking skills can be cultivated. You may not become as good as Obama or Tony Robbins - but you can at least become as good as the top 5-10% of all people.

(Superb communication and/or oratorical skills.)

3. Practise is key. Many people think that my friends talks are impormptu. But I know that he thinks about what exactly to talk about and in what order... he creates entire scenes in his mind. And works on stories days before he tells them out loud.

His talks have a sort of rhythm. Very orderly even though you may not notice it conciously. Rhythm can be learned. One awesome source to learn how to give rhythmic presentations is
Thats a Wrap: Utilize Music to truly bring your presentation to life.
https://www.wizardacademypress.com/s...?idproduct=141

(Unusual calmness. Assertiveness. Rhythm.)

4. I recall reading a psychology research paper done on school going kids. The research was done to find out what made "cool kids" cool?

The researchers found that there are quite a few kids who are liked by all. No one has anything bad to say about these kids. But yet - they never become the cool kids - never become the centre of attraction.

The kids that become the cool kids have only 1 thing that differentiates them from these other kids who are liked by all: and that is they build up barriers.

The cool kids don't allow everyone in their circle. They choose and select.

As the saying goes: if you take everyones side, you end up taking no ones side.

Polarization is a very important concept in building charisma.

(Exclusivity.)

5. I read recently that magician Steve Cohen (whose book "Win the Crowd: Unlock the Secrets of Influence, Charisma and Showmanship" is on my wishlist) hands out his bio to all the members of the audience before all his acts - big or small. These bio-sheets tells folks that Steve has privately entertained numerous corporate titans and TV personalities.

"If these rich successful folks pay good money to watch Steve - he must be good - no?"

(Reputation. Creating anticipation.)

6. I'm sure there are a few NLP tricks like mirroring and stuff too that goes into building charisma.

As Dien says - people will love you if you show an interest in them and genuinely praise them. Mirroring is one more way of connecting with the folks.

I'm sure tone, pitch, hand actions and a 101 other subtle nuisances make a big difference in building up charisma too.

(Connecting with the audience.)

Re: How To Be Charismatic?
 

Hi Ankesh,

Thanks, wow, what a cool and amazing analysis of it all... :)

The part about how, in school, the "cool kids" didn't let everyone into their circle, they built up exclusivity... I'm sure you're right, there! Fascinating...

Scarcity is one powerful beast.

And your other points are great too.

One thing that amazes me is how some actors and actresses seem to have "charisma" on the screen. That is, when they're on the screen, your eyes are drawn to them like a magnet. The other characters on the screen just seem to melt away into the background... Even when they're playing a minor role, they can have this effect.

How do they do it?

"Looking good" may be part of it, since these "charismatic" actors usually are considered to be "good looking" people. But not always, I think... I don't think that's the whole story. Not all "good looking" actors have this type of "charisma"...

I think what may be at work there is your point about "Unusual calmness. Assertiveness. Rhythm."

I think confidence plays a big role (and confidence is associated with calmness). People seem to be attracted to people who are confident.

And to those with conviction. We like certainty in our lives, so when someone promises certainty, people may find themselves attracted to that. Uncertainty can be so uncomfortable.

I think this may be how some of these cult leaders get their followers. They offer certainty and conviction, along with strong confidence. They may be saying that UFOs are going to come and get us, but to some people, that message said with conviction, and no doubts, might be charismatic and attractive (at least to a few)...

Anyway, I'm just thinking out loud here. Fascinating topic... :)

Thanks Ankesh, those are some amazing insights... :)

Best wishes,

Dien

P.S. Your "2 word internet marketing strategy" (from the link in your sig) is right on the money... I also learned some new stuff from your section on "Human Psychology"! :) (I don't get anything by saying this...)