need confidence
 

Need answers and insights from your experience
on *confidence*...
what causes a lack of confidence?
what is the best method in overcoming it?
Interested in any anecdotes,stories,quotes,and
or advice. This is my major problem right now.
Thank you..

Re: need confidence
 

Sandy,

A few years ago, I was in your shoes.

Today, I’d say confidence starts with something you know for sure, absolutely, unshakably. When you absolutely know something is true, life can’t throw you off your confidence, no matter what challenges it brings you.

And if you say there’s nothing you know for sure, look harder. Find something. Create something. Build on it.

In 1991, I’d had nothing but failure in marketing. Nothing even close to the smell of a ghost of the most blurry vision of success.

One day, in a health food store, I found a product that looked interesting. I can’t remember why. But I bought & tried it.

For years, I’d had serious joint problems in both elbows & both knees, plus my lower back. Within days of trying that product, they all went away.

My life was changed. But I didn’t believe it. It was great, but I had no confidence it would last.

It took TWO YEARS to convince me. Finally, I thought, “Heck. If there’s anything I could ever sell, it’s THIS stuff.” And I did. I became a distributor for that product and sold a ton of it. I had total, 100% confidence. I didn’t give a hoot about anything negative anybody said. They were wrong & I was right. I knew that for a fact.

Today, my wife would probably tell you I’m obnoxiously confident. And she’s probably right. But I remember very clearly when it was my biggest problem.

It doesn’t have to take years to find a solution. I’ve always had a very long runway.

But you must settle on some things you know for sure.

Richard Dennis

Sandy, can I assume you are a woman? Or would I be making an a** of myself?
 

> Need answers and insights from your
> experience
> on *confidence*...
> what causes a lack of confidence?

Hi Sandy,

The reason I'm interested in your sex, is because men and women lose (and gain) their confidence in different ways.

My assumption is made on the iVillage e-mail, I spend a lot of time at iVillage and think it has some great stuff. Stuff that many men will never get.

Women lack confidence based on two things, the way they were educated, and personal experiences.

Now, I'm not a psychologist, but I like to play one on the Internet, HA!

I will post the PICTOGRIGM of PAST EXPERIENCES this afternoon, and this will be of value to you Sandy.

My TRIAD is this:

Doubt is the shadow of your fear.

Confidence is the reflection of your experience.

Action is the revelation of your faith.

If you are in DOUBT, and lack Confidence, it is usually a result of past events.

ON the POL, you will see these events create stimuli, which go into your brain, and with enough stimulation a neural pathway is made, which as you see on the POL affects your body.

OK, I won't get real technical here.

But what Richard Dennis says is right on, and I'm going to tell you why. He says:

"Today, I’d say confidence starts with something you know for sure, absolutely, unshakably. When you absolutely know something is true, life can’t throw you off your confidence, no matter what challenges it brings you.

And if you say there’s nothing you know for sure, look harder. Find something. Create something. Build on it."

Let me tell you what I know that perhaps could be the cornerstone of your new FOUNDATION of confidence.

Sandy, there is NO one in the world like you. Never has been. Never will be.

So what? It means that you are unique. And that within that uniqueness lies the "seeds" of your future harvests.

It has been my experience as a social worker that women get pounded on by men. Sadly, that is also literally as well as figuratively.

We are in a transition. The men have ruled the world for almost 5,000 years, and have managed to muck it up pretty good. If the women don't come to our rescue soon, we're headed toward hard times indeed.

Now, of course I am assuming, and Sandy, if you are a guy, then read and re-read what Richard has posted...it really is the way to build confidence.

But find the "one thing" that you know for certain and start building around that.

For women, it is HARDER. WE make it more difficult for them. WE don't appreciate (and mainly because we don't know how to) their contributions, their efforts.

I'm far from patronizing women, I know better than that. They DON'T NEED my patronage, they have my RESPECT.

Andt that is the KEY to confidence. RESPECT.

Right now Sandy you don't have any RESPECT for your own ideas, for your own voice, for your own opinions.

Where this doubt came from, you can see later on the Pictogrigm of Past Experiences.

But to get to the third part of the TRIAD, you have to turn and face the sun, SEE? Because when you face the sun, you don't see the shadows of doubt.

You feel the warmth. You get the same as everyone else. You are not denied the sun's energy...it is not a respecter of people.

So, if you are entitled to receive the benefit from the sun, then you can begin again to belive that you are WORTHY, that you are just as entitled to it as anyone else.

Then you reflect upon your past experiences, and make a list of your successes. Like Richard says, write these things down.

They don't have to be big major deals, but important little triumphs you've filed away and perhaps have forgotten about.

Perhaps in school, or at home, or in an activity, or in a relationship or somewhere at sometime you felt APPRECIATED and that reinforced your confidence.

Let's look at the POA and plug a goal in.

CONFIDENCE. First, you have to define it in experiential detail, what does it mean to you Sandy?

What would you do with your confidence? How would it change things for you?

Then, like with all goals, you have to start up the path, but EXIT 1 is especially attractive, because how can you go to BELIEF without confidence? Kind of a Catch 22- cart before the horse type thing.

This is where the MOTIVATION plays a part, knowing how much better your life is going to be, the promise of a better tomorrow, can be used to PULL you into belief and toward your goal.

Now, if you haven't seen the POA or the DOL, you are totally confused...and that's OK too for now.

People who have lost self-confidence spend a lot of time in confusion...but this is a way to break out of it.

HOW? By setting little goals. Daily ones. HOURLY if necessary.

Then they BUILD upon that success. And it is PERSONAL, it is important to you, no matter what anyone else thinks or says, and in fact you should shield yourself during these "baby" steps, especially from friends and loved ones, because they are the first to undermine your effort.

But,then you build, daily. Weekly. Monthly. And yearly. While you are pursuing the goal, time is going by, as you FOCUS in, and cut out the STIMULI that creates so many problems, you will slowly, steadily gain confidence again.

YOU dont have to spend a lot of time in the past, just long enough to identify some of the past stumbling blocks, some of the confidence breakers in your life.

Then, set your goal. KNOW that you are worthy of obtaining your goal, KNOW that dreams are the divine whispers of possibility into still open hearts.

CONFIDENCE is reached the same as all goals,

KNOW what you want and WHY...

Develop a plan...

Adjust and continue...

Live in the WOW of NOW...know that goals reached are on the lifeline, there are no mountain tops to stop and say, "I've arrived"...it is a journey...and you have a uniqueness to offer to this world Sandy, that NO ONE else can give to it.

I'm CONFIDENT of that. I'm CONFIDENT that you will regain yours.

If you would care to e-mail me on this, feel free.

Respectfully,

Gordon Alexander

Re: need confidence
 

Unfortunately confidence cannot be bought off the shelf.

It has to be developed and nurtured.

Generally speaking there are very few naturally 'confident' people and in many of these cases this confidence borders on arrogance!

You can be certain that many of the 'super confident' people that you see today have moments and indeed months of self-doubt etc.

Here's a thought...

In the land of the blind the one-eyed-man is king.

To be confident you have to feel that you are equal to or superior to (not something I particularly like ) your target audience/ your peers/ your fellow humans etc.

No matter how low you feel at the moment, how broke you are, how lonely you are, I can guarantee that there is somebody worse off than you just now.

Find this person.

It could be an old person, young, disabled, homeless or whatever and help them.

Maybe just talk to them.

To them you have everything. Their confidence is low.

You can help.

Trust me.

I have confidence in you.

Jim.

Re: Confidence can be a fragile entity!
 

Gordon, Richard and Sandy -

I just spent the weekend helping a highly educated and skilled woman friend of mine regain her confidence.

A journalist for 25 years (with awards and books to her credit) she's working for a totally neurotic woman who is actively sabotaging her work efforts because of a personality conflict. The "big boss" of the company is a male who hates to confront anyone, so makes things worse by condoning the hateful actions of this woman supervisor.

Anyway, my friend is an excellent writer but was totally down in confidence because old tapes of her mother saying "women stay home and let the men support them" and other such morale killers were running in her head.

This in spite of years of success, both professionally, entrepreneurially, and as a single parent. She has run an internationally successful internet venture and has hundreds of loyal friends. Yet an on the job coordinated assault of negativity has undermined all previous successes. Hopefully, we turned her mood around this weekend and she'll counterattack using Sun Tsu's "Art of War" tactics today!

My point? We all have chinks in our armor and must guard against assaults by the paranoid, neurotic and jealous destroyers of the world. Confidence can be fragile if not strengthened and renewed on a continual basis.

So both your posts were right on, Richard and Gordon. I've recommended that my friend visit SOWPUB and learn SQ 1. She'll benefit from the WE posts, and we'll benefit from her knowledge as well.

Take care, Bob

Overcoming shyness....
 

I don't know if "shyness" is the exact same thing as lacking "confidence" but they seem closely enough related to me to make it worth talking a little bit about shyness....

Most people have had times of shyness at at least some stage in their lives. It can make many things difficult, especially where you may have to deal with other people.... However, there are ways of dealing with it....

I was surprised to read recently that many quite famous people are actually quite shy.... Here's a list of some celebrities who have admitted to being quite shy....

* Barbara Walters
* Cher
* Johnny Carson
* Mike Myers
* and the list goes on....

While these people (by their own accounts) have never fully overcome their shyness, they did manage to deal with it so that they could still succeed.

I can actually be a bit of a shy person in real life.... In fact, a part of me has always been a little bit shy, but I experiment with various ways of dealing with it.

There are some "side-effects" of being shy.... Some people may misinterpret shyness as "snobbishness," which is unfortunate....

There are a lot of resources online about how to deal with shyness. I suggest going to a search engine -- I personally like to use www.google.com -- and type in some words like "overcoming shyness" (with the quote marks as well) or just "shyness".

I don't know if this is exactly the kind of advice you were looking for, Sandy.... However, I know that the percentage of people who are shy is actually quite large. I have no doubt that many of the people who read this forum are in fact perhaps too shy to post something, so these words and thoughts are for you....

Shyness can make things difficult sometimes, but it is possible to deal with it, and even go on to great success -- like the "shy celebrities" I listed above....

Best of luck (and keep working on it!),

Dien Rice

RESPONSE TO ALL OF YOU!
 

First...a big hug to you all.
I'm pleased as punch with the concern,
level of insight and pertinent answers
I've received.

Every answer has touched a nerve. I feel
supported and I'm encouraged to focus,comtemplate
and look at this problem differently.

Your answers have made me aware that confidence
is multifaceted. I have several issues which
need sorting. Thanks again.

Behaviorally this is what I'm experiencing.
Perhaps you can chime in some more and hopefully
it will help others as well.
1) I get an idea...start it then abandon it

because of thoughts which say " you're

not an expert in this", or "this has all

been covered before", "this won't work".

I then start researching the topic then

compare myself to others who've done this

particular thing. I give up....and then

wait for another idea and the cycle starts

again.
2) Another thing I do is to start thinking

of all my deficiencies rather than my

strengths...I talk to others and listen

to their discouraging remarks..I start

analyzing how much time the project will

take etc.

Bottom line: "I find too many reasons to
procrastinate"

I will be looking for your material Gordon
and Dien because I know I need help and
understanding and I think you both are sincere
in your intentions...
Thanks again...

Re: Sandy, YOU may be an EXPERT
 

Sandy,
I have a degree in Animal Science, and right after I finished Clemson(along time ago)I worked for the extension service as a county agent. The defination they had for a "expert" was anyone that was over 30 miles from home. This came from the fact that when you had a problem you usually bought an outsider in, an they usually had to drive to get to these rural communties, and that made them a expert.

Example number two: a couple months ago I heard an interview on the radio with James Gregory the comedian. The announcer asked, James exactlly how did you get the title "the funniest man in America"? James replied, I gave it to myself!! The announcer replied, no contest, no group, you did it yourself. James replied, yes, one day I just decided that I was going to the "the funniest man in america".

So, see... if other people can do it, you can to! Just make YOURSELF a EXPERT!

Why I know this fellow that made himself a KING!!

Honestly, what I am saying is that if you research a subject, study it, etc, and write about it, you to can be a expert on that subject.

Best of Luck.

Richard

For Sandy...
 

Hi Sandy,

Some years ago, when I was heavily involved in training, I facilitated quite a few workshops. Also did a lot of one-on-one consulting...even for married couples who discovered that they didn't even know the person they had courted for years once they got married! (grin)

I wasn't a psychologist...didn't need to be because I was involved in education, not diagnostic work.

I was trained (in my certifications) to show people how to learn from a type of self-directed 'temperament' profile. It was designed to assist the participants in improving inter-personal communications...supposedly by helping to understand themselves and others better.

Usually, the information was very enlightening to the participants.

In some of my workshops, I came across a few people who said the same things that you say about yourself. They were very discouraged and looking for answers.

There are no right or wrong answers for the profile questions. The results showed the strengths and weaknesses of each temperament type. Sort of like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator that is used in counseling, university and corporate settings today. Have you ever heard of the MBTI?

From everything I learned, it sounds possible, from the way you describe yourself, that you may possibly have a strong perfectionist streak.

Many of these temperament 'types' can't endure long in areas that don't jive well with their particular strengths and talents. They feel too 'at odds' with themselves and shut down.

Discovering my own temperament'profile' was a real 'eye opener' and helped to even boost my self esteem when I realized that we all have our rightful place in the world - and some of us, weeeellll, we really do march to that different drummer.

Sometimes, just getting one piece to the 'puzzle' of our individual complexity will sometimes serve as a catalyst to get us turned around and going in a direction that better serves us. Discovering who we really are - and why we do the things we do - can sometimes take a lifetime, even.

It's important to know that people whose personality/temperament profiles show a high tendency toward perfectionism can be their own worst enemy. They are harder on themselves than anyone else would ever be on them.

They often put themselves through grueling sessions of self- reflection in an effort to come to terms with shortcomings...to 'toughen up' and march on. But something eventually stops them.

They have a strong need to feel 'authentic' in whatever they undertake. Falling short of that lofty self assessment, they, sooner or later, come to a dead halt. They won't give themselves permission to advance after that.

Interestingly enough, these types have a tendency to bore easily IF they aren't doing what is in tune with their true nature. A sense of restlessness keeps them searching and seeking until they find their true niche.

There are a lot of profile 'instruments' available today - given in many settings from corporate to career counseling to people seeking help from psychologists.

These profiles help people to assess their own strengths and weaknesses to become better aligned with the best all around life choices for their particular personality or temperament tendencies. (Again the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is one of the best known and respected profile assessment tool available.)

Could it be that perhaps you might be pushing yourself into areas to perform where it just doesn't jive with the 'real you'.

And, after a short time, the realization of being out of step with the real 'you' stops you from keeping on with keeping on. That inner critic that knows YOU best becomes louder and louder until you are overcome with self-doubt

Then, feeling that you are letting others, who matter a lot to you, down with your inaction might lead you to jump into something else too prematurely ...and the circle of behavior continues.

Using strengths, over and over that don't come naturally is tiring. At some point, one gets tired of trying to use their available energy and willpower to muster up and use strengths that aren't natural to them. Stress builds. And sooner or later something has to give.

David Keirsey authored a book entitled "Please Understand Me" which explains the various temperments fairly well. You can read more about temperment at his website and even take a short online 'free' profile at http://www.keirsey.com

If none of this resonates with you, then please accept my apology for taking up your time to read it. Pardon any rambling. I hope that it may be of assistance to you, in some part, to solve the mystery of the behavior that concerns you as described in your note.

I just wanted to contribute this for what it's worth...perchance that it might be helpful.

But Gordon, with all his wisdom and depth of understanding can lead you further into resolving your issues than my simple recommendation. However, you may enjoy learning more about temperment as well.

Best Wishes,
Amber




Please Understand Me - an elementary introduction to human temperment

amber ...you're...
 

Amber
thanks for your input...
you've brought up some great insights.

I tend to be very idealistic...yes the
perfectionistic streak is there.

It has been extremely difficult for me to
find what I want to do. I do tend to do
things which are not challenging and then
get bored with them.

Many of my associates think I'm very wise(
not to be bragging) and I've helped them with
their business adventures; often I'm invited
to be part of their business team.

However, I tend to be more of a loner and like
the freedom and flexibility of working for
myself.

Many at work describe me as a person who is
very ethical and they think I will find it
difficult to thrive in the business world.

I'm in the process of using Gordon' Pictogrigm
to look at these messages and get to the root
of all this perfectionism.

Amber and anyone else please feel free to
share your insights. I love it and appreciate
it.
Thanks
P.s...
I'm familiar with the Briggs and some other
tools.
Also I've explored some of the metaphysical
analysis re birth year etc and was found to
be a "creative" with problems around "confidence"
In numerology terms a #1...
( I'm not too involved in the occult, but just
thought I'd give you an example of a tool which
I explored and the outcome of which I agree with)

I have a need to "create" yet get beyond the
"critical" aspect of my personality. You're
right I'm harder on myself than on other people.
As I'm writing this, I realize it has something
to do with my childhood...mmmm...thanks for
triggering some more insights.

Don't you luv this board?