SOWPub Small Business Forums - Okay Dien, heres your Saturday morning Tips, from

USEFUL TIPS FOR A BETTER LIFE

This section is here to help you! Situated in this here
documentation doobrey is a collection of useful tips that
you have probably so far lived without, unable to reap the
benefits they do bring forth. To help you more efficiently
we have broken the tips up into sections.

SECTION 1: Hazards

Always check water temperature before jumping in a kettle.

When sleeping in an Eskimo's igloo always ensure that there are no
loose ice bricks above your head.

To alleviate suffocation, breath normally.

Beware of Greeks baring gifts.

If you find yourself falling out of a tenth storey window, scream a
lot, then die, ensuring you clean the pavement afterwards, rather
than being selfish and expecting someone else to do it for you!

SECTION 2: Medical Considerations

Eating breeze blocks can, on some occasions, lead to indigestion.

Keyhole surgery is not cutting someone open with a key.

If someone is having breathing difficulties, don't give them oxygen,
give them helium, they'll be up and about much more quickly. Tie them
to a breeze block first. DO NOT eat it.

SECTION 3: Cookery

Buy ingredients

Buy cooking equipment

Learn how to cook

SECTION 4: Computing

If the letter "A" appears on screen at any time then just press the
button marked "Reset" or "Power"

To eliminate the need for an expensive printer, just place some paper
and a carbon copy sheet behind your monitor.

The Esc. Button is your friend. Press it all the time.

Use your printer to print intricate designs directly on to wedding,
birthday, x-mas cakes etc.

CD-ROM's are very nice in cheese toasties.

To free up much needed memory just type "FORMAT C:". This will give
back to you much of the valuable space taken up by needless operating
systems.

If you have trouble with word processing just use an autoformating
function. These are accessible in most word processors by rapid
pressing of the key marked "Delete".

SECTION 5: Money Saving

To become very rich draw lots of £10 notes onto face flannels and pay
them into your bank.

Another way to become very rich, just buy all 14,000,000 possible
combinations in next week's national lottery.

Don't spend anything.

Sell your car, and don't spend anything

Sell your car and all your clothes and don't spend anything

Sell your car, all your clothes, and your house and everything you own
in the whole wide world....... and don't spend anything

To avoid buying a daily newspaper, just read the same one everyday.

Use lard instead of cheese.

Don't use your own money! Use someone elses!