THE Gordon,

First, about the tape, gimme gimme gimme.

Second, about,

> Every round of golf has a beginning and an
> end. No one has ever played a perfect round,
> just as no one has planned and executed a
> perfect project.

> If you have, please share with us.

I've played a perfect round of golf. And as you asked us to share it, I shall.

It was back in the late 80s early 90s. I was in another state visiting with friends and happened to bring my clubs. A game of golf was suggested and off we went on that spur of the moment.

The day was perfect for golf - overcast and not too hot or cold. And there were five in our group.

Our rules of play were simple... the winner of each hole would tee off first on the next hole and the tee off order would go down the list according to the previous hole.

Problem was, this was the first tee and no one had won a hole yet. Somehow I was voted to go first... I'm sure because they were expecting to get a good laugh out of me.

I pushed the tee into the soft earth, placed the ball, then took three or four practice swings at a nearby dandelion with my three iron - I NEVER use woods (the exception being the time I used a wood to get out of a sandtrap).

I addressed the ball, took a swing and WACK! The ball went as straight as a straight thing.

One of the players in our group, a guy I'd not played with before, threw his club on the ground and said "If this is how it's going to be all day then I'm going home" :o)

My next shot was like the first... went exactly where I wanted and I was on the green for two. Three puts later I was in the hole and my score for that par four hole was five.

Next hole saw my tee shot go off left into the bush. Lost ball.

Third hole, par three, had me take six shots to get out of the green-side bunker I'd landed in on my tee shot.

Fourth hole was parred - first time I'd ever parred a hole in my life!

Fifth hole... two balls lost in the water hazzard off the tee before deciding I was across the hazzard and dropping a ball.

Sixth hole... on the green for three and a crow flew down and took my ball.

Seventh hole was a dog-leg. My tee went straight towards the green, as if there was no dog-leg. I ended up in the bushes. But hey, it turned out to be a great short-cut. :o)

Eighth hole... the sprinklers came on before any of us could tee-off so we had to do it quick, in turns, before the water swept around again.

The other holes I can't recall, bar one. Par three, downhill. I teed off with my putter and overshot the hole!?

In the end I think my score was 108 for 18 holes. That score didn't count air-swings or the times I swung and the ball went three yards. When that happened it wasn't counted and the ball was hit again. These were the rules we played under.

I do recall a few shot being taken without my clubs at all. After three or four two-to-three yard hits I'd give up, pick up the ball and throw it and count that as my shot.

A perfect game?

You bet.

Every swing and every part of the swing was a perfect moment. Each result I got, each time the ball went stright, or was lost, or rolled along the ground, was a direct and perfect result of my swing.

My swing wasn't bad or good. It was perfect each time. Sometimes it was perfect to hook the ball wildly, other times it was perfect to result in a massive slice, and other times it was perfect for hitting the ball straight.

Each result I got was perfect as it was the only result possible from the swing.

The results may not have been what I wanted... but they were consitently perfect each time. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't overcome action-reaction. Those darn laws of physics just wouldn't bend for me. I got what I gave. The plants that grew (my shots) were exactly those from the seeds I planted (my swing). Perfect and harmonious in every way.

I planted a hook and by golly that's what I got. I planted an air-swing and I got it. I planted a slice and a slice was the result. Perfect every time.

Now if only I knew how to plant the shots I want. Then I'd have what I want. I would even be able to break fifty for nine holes - something I've never done.

Here's something that can be fun... next time your putting game is not giving you what you want, try putting the ball as if you were playing pool. Lay on the ground and poke the ball with the handle of your club.

Okay, so I'll never make a living out of playing professional golf - unless they pay you for novelty. At least I have fun though. And isn't that what it's supposed to be all about?

Michael (the perfect hair-splitting golfer) Ross