Embrace The Fear

I looked on in abject terror. Too frightened to watch, too keen to see what happened next. I covered my face with my hands, but peeked out through my fingers. It was the scariest thing I've ever witnessed.

And ever since I saw that movie, Evil Dead, ALL other horror movies have paled in comparison. So much so I now regret having seen it in the first place. I can no longer enjoy a good scare flick. They bore me.

Further down the board is a thread about something some people call "Fear of Success/Failure." I brought my post about that to the top of the board so it wouldn't be lost in the mayhem.

Personally, I don't believe there is fear of success OR failure, there is just FEAR. One thing which can wear many many faces.

Mike said one of his daughters is shy. What is shyness but a form of some kind of fear which manifests itself with one symptom... shyness.

If I fear talking to people in general, I exhibit shyness. If I fear talking about myself to people, I may exhibit shyness. If I fear meeting new people, I may exhibit shyness. If I feel that talking to someone will reveal some weakness of mine as I'm put on the spotn, I may exhibit shyness. One symptom for many reasons. Reasons based on a fear.

This "fear" varying in strength from minor to absolute. From something more like feeling uncomfortable to wet-your-pants terror (great discomfort).

Mike talked about his fear of heights and overcame it himself. I bet though, if you suffer from fear of heights and a lion is after you and the only way to survive is to climb a high tree, then suddenly your fear of heights will be gone. It will be replaced with a greater fear, fear of being eaten alive.

Your fear will have been overshadowed by another fear.

So you like the taste of success? I say, you fear not having that taste.

Splitting straws? Maybe, but true nontheless.

I am a shy person. Invite me to a party and I'll sit in a corner. Yet, I've owned businesses that required me to make a sale face-to-face and canvass for new business. Certainly not the actions of a shy person.

So why the difference?

I think it depends on the item being sold.

In business, whether it's a service or product you sell, it's not you as a person.

At a party though, it's like an interrorgation... where do you live? What do you do for a living? What's that like?

And why "those" questions?

To play one upmanship.

What do you do? (hidden question... tell me what you do for a living so I can see if I'm better than you).

Answer: I'm a petroleum engineer (person playing the one upmanship game). Or, I pump petrol (person who can't be bothered with the one upmanship game and would rather sit in a corner).

This shyness/fear would be discomfort. Far different from a person who suffers from clostrophobia and fears (is greatly uncomfortable) being out and about.

Why fear being out and about?

Many reasons... don't like the look of themselves (too skinny, too fat, etc.); fear catching a bug and getting sick; fear being mugged, raped, assulted; fear being run over; fear having to walk past the big dog on the corner and a plethora of other reasons.

You fear public speaking? I bet if I had a gun to your head and threatened to pull the trigger unless you started speaking, you'd start speaking. One fear overcomes another. But only when the REASON (motive) is strong enough.

Sell TV sets? No problem. Sell cars? No problem. Sell insurance? No problem. Ask a girl/boy on a date (sell YOURSELF)? Big problems.

The difference?

The item being sold.

One item, no matter how much a part of you it is, such as a personalised service, is not you. The other is you and you alone, with all your blemishes and warts. A very personal scrutiny.

BUT, have a good enough reason for something, and your "fear" (discomfort) will go hide in the background.

And that's the key... your reason, your motive. If it's not strong enough, you won't overcome your fear.

Fearing something (being uncomfortable) is irrational. It makes no real sense. Therefore it's a "feeling." A psychological thing.

Seeing as changing (overcoming your fear) is the hardest thing for us to do, psychologically, it's easier not to change.

Lazy?

Not enough reason not to be.

Stephen King wrote a short story called "Quitters Inc." It was about a company that guaranteed to make you quite smoking. They monitored you 24 hours a day seven days a week. If you lit up, they punished your family with electricity while you watched. After you did quit they set a weight goal. Go against the goal and you'd start losing fingers. Keep it up and they'd kill you. Once dead, you wouldn't be smoking or going against your goals anymore. It's all in the REASON WHY.

The buzzword of the last couple of decades is STRESS. What is stress? A load of crap... it doesn't exist.

I may be feeling anxious about something... a do-gooder will call it stress. I may have great concern over the wellbeing of a loved one... stress. Stress stress stress. Crap. Lets call it what it is... anxiety, concern, whatever. But lets not lump it all together and call it stress.

Shy? It's a fear (discomfort) about something.

As I said, I'm shy. Why? Because I fear (am uncomfortable) playing the plastic people game.

I used to play A-grade competition tennis four times a week. One team I played against was made up of university students. All the students in the team were studying Vet Science bar one. Her field? Something like Human Movement Science. I thought for a bit and asked her if it was P.E. (Physical Education - running, jumping, exercise at school stuff). It was. Why then give it a fancy name? She's playing the plastic people game... one upmanship.

Personal Assistant or Secretary? Data Entry Operator or Typist? Or one upmanship?

I can talk the ears off of an elephant. Those of you that have spoken with me on the phone may have experienced this... even if we've never met in person or not talked before. BUT, that's only because I have felt no one-upmanship coming from your end.

One person may ask me "How I am" and I'll cringe. Yet another will ask the same thing and I'll have no problem with it. The difference? The "feeling" *I* get/have about the person - genuine or plastic.

If you don't fear something, you're comfortable with it. If you fear it, you're uncomfortable with it.

Fear is discomfort, only the degree varies. Each fear overridng another.

Can't make that phone call?

Your reason isn't strong enough. You don't have another fear that overrides your fear of calling.

Monday is the first day one of my latest projects hits the public. It will require me to do a bit of door-to-door stuff. I'm a shy person, yet I'm looking forward to this... I'm keen. I'm eager. Why? Because I have a reason (motive) that's strong enough to override any fear of knocking on doors. My motive is a fear... fear of not getting the thing my latest venture will bring to me.

One fear (level of discomfort) overcomes another fear (lesser level of discomfort).

Fear is discomfort? Yep, it is to me. I use the word fear because it's easier. Juxtapose the word "discomfort" or "uncomfortable" if you wish, it makes no difference.

We either fear getting something or fear not-getting (missing out on) something. It is as simple as that... black and white, yin and yang. No shades. One or the other, only the degree at each end varies.

If I were to create a simple pictogrigm about it it'd be this...

Fear of Getting***************************Fear of Not Getting
100_________________0|0_________________100

If you're all right with something (enjoy) you fear (have discomfort) not being all right (not getting, losing your enjoyment) with it.

At least, that's my simple take it on.

Of course, it takes HONEST soul searching to recognise and admit it within yourself for what it is... an irrational feeling.

Just remember... we have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Michael Ross.

Well, after that long missive I never addressed the "Fear of Success" thing. Doh!

Fear of Success... nah... it's fear (discomfort) of something about the process of becoming successful.

Learn to write compelling copy? No problem.

Learn all about the product? No Problem.

Learn to speak to people with enthusiasm? No problem?

Risk the money to see if your ads or letters work? PROBLEM. What if it doesn't work? I've lost that money forever. My ad will have been a flop. I'll have to face the gauntlet of "I told you so's" and so on. Any one of those reasons can be feared when it comes to the final part... spending the money on the marketing campaign.

If I fear losing the money I won't run the ad. No ad, no customers. No customers, no sales. No sales, no money and no success.

If I fear "the gauntlet" I won't run the ad and the same process will lead to no success.

Does a person fear success? No... unless they're one of those weird socialist types who want everyone to be equal and despise capitalism. They fear success, or rather what being sucessful would mean, as it'd mean becoming what they despise. And they can't have that.

In general though, for those who aren't weird "everyone is equal" socialist types, success isn't feared... only parts of what it takes to be successful.

Which parts?

It's different for each person. And the only person who can answer it, is YOU.

Fear making a phone call? Maybe, or maybe it's one aspect about the call you fear and not the call in general.

Maybe you fear getting through the "gatekeeper", or the elevator musak you hear on hold reminds you of an unpleasant thing, or you fear interupting the prospect in case they're doing something important, or you fear what they'll think of you if you do interupt their important thing.

How to overcome it?

First, recognise exactly what IT is. Breakdown the whole into it's individual parts to find out which part you fear. Which part you're uncomfortable with.

You're half way there. Now figure a way to override that fear, that discomfort about that part.

Maybe, breaking it down to its component parts will show you it's such a minor thing your fear of it will suddenly disappear. Maybe a new solution will present itself once you know what IT is.

But you won't know unless you do it.

If you won't do it then you fear finding out the truth about yourself, or a part of yourself, and all that that would mean. And that's revealing in and of itself.

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth.

Truth, it'll set you free, but it'll piss you off first.

I think it helps to become a child again. A child has no limits and nothing is impossible. A child also has the ability to BELIEVE.

Think about it... Santa? Real. The Easter Bunny? Real. What a let down and shattering of accepted truth for real truth to find out they're not real. Perhaps if children weren't told of Santa and the Easter Bunny being real their ability to BELIEVE would not be tainted. You think?

A child never gives up, no matter what anyone says. They keep at it.

Here let me help you with that. No, I want to put it on myself, I can do it.

Here let me, we don't have time while you do it.

What sort of signals do we send to our children when we say things like that?

Fear of heights? Or a fear of falling from a height?

Fear of driving? Or a fear of crashing or running over someone?

Fear of public speaking? Or fear of people not liking us or thinking we're odd or thinking we're silly?

Fear of knocking on someones door? Can't be, we knock on the doors of our friends with no problem. We would think nothing of knocking on the door of a total stranger if our lives were threatened. Or if we desparately need the breakdown service and there's no phone near by. Or any number of other reasons. So it's not fear of knocking on doors. It's something else.

Whatever IT is, identify it within yourself. It's different for each of us.

Do the Scouts still have "Job Week"? I remember going around knocking on doors asking people to do "jobs" for a few bucks for the Scouts. Perhaps all kids should join the Scouts and Girl Guides to learn this skill. Or perhaps someone with a door-to-door fear should recall that they did in fact do that when they were a Scout/Guide. It might help.

Mike, you mentioned Toastmaster... great group... no pressure, nothing. Just a totally relaxed and friendly environment. If someone fears speaking, for whatever small part they really fear, I suggest Toastmasters http://www.toastmasters.org/ as a place to start.

I also encourage all younger schoolage kids to do "debating" in school. Teaches good skills at taking any side of an argument and presenting your case without reverting to personal attacks.

Ever watched an Eco Challenge? One thing you'll notice, if you have, is that the competitors use it as a tool. If they can complete an Eco Challenge, they reason, they can do anything.

Perhaps we should all look for a HUGE challenge we know we'd stick with and go at until it's done to prove to ourselves we can do it, just as a child already knows they can.

Or simply realise we all learned how to walk, talk, read, write, drive a manual car, work a computer, get a job, run a business (no matter how small), cook exotic meals, negotiate better prices, etc. All things we never knew how to do but now do without a second thought. Realise we're already much more of a success than we ever realised and that we can in fact do anything we put our minds to and have a good enough reason to do.

Michael Ross.

Michael,

Wow, a couple of really cool posts!

I think you've got something there.... :)

When you were just a kid, you could do ANYTHING (until those mean adults told you you couldn't!).

Crawling through the MUD was a lot of fun, not an embarassment.... :)

Richard Myers said it best a few posts below.....

And you could ask for anything from anybody without embarassment.... UNTIL you learned that you shouldn't!

I think CHILDREN are sometimes the WISEST ones around.... :) They're a lot wiser than we adults realize, you know....

(We adults need to stick together and learn, because we're constantly being outwitted by kids!)

Don't you remember when you were a kid how mean a few of those adults were. Those GRUFF types, always telling you to play somewhere else.... (Well, I remember that -- and I promised myself I would never become one of those types of adults, but become one of the NICE ones who would let me play anywhere I wanted to....)

At some stage, sadly SOME of us lose some of our child-like innocence.... I guess those are the GRUFF types.... Those adults need to be sent to their rooms!

Speaking of going to your room.... I didn't get enough sleep last night... I think I'll go take my nap (after my glass of milk) and write a bit more later... :)

- Dien

I like that line from the Xfiles. It has a certain, unobtainable, yet somehow reachable quality about it....We can realise the truth if we really want it...or we can chase it forever.

Fear (distress caused by impending danger) is relative. Relative to your current situation.

Fear only exists if you let it. You may be broke, but you may be the closest you’re ever been to success. Success can be so close that when you quit, it was just only one step away.

All journeys start with that very first step, it can be failure or it can be success. If you’re afraid every step of the way, how will you get to the end? But if you embrace fear and see it for what it is (being unsure of the unknown) then you have nothing to lose. Every step gets you closer, regardless of fear.

FEAR IS A STEPPING STONE, IT’S PART OF THE JOURNEY.

You must learn to live with it and embrace it...or suffer the realities that your mind creates.

I was rich, but now I’m broke and depressed, yet I have the potential to start a new journey that will make me rich...again.

You have a choice...right now..decide what you want to be..good or bad...rich or poor...sad or happy....whatever it is, you are not on this earth for very long.

You have a choice...what will it be??

Richard ( I have many fears, but they show me how not to be afraid ) Vaughan

P.S. Michael, I did read your posts. They were ‘interesting’ but long (nothing wrong with that) thought I’d grab the bold parts for my PS.

nothing to fear but fear itself.

I can do it.

we can in fact do anything we put our minds to and have a good enough reason to do.

FEAR IS A STEPPING STONE, IT’S PART OF THE JOURNEY.

The Truth...It's Out There Somewhere... Does anyone know the URL?

Hi board.
;) Marc

embracing fear and taking power over it....awesome line of posts, Michael. Thanks for bringing up the topic.

Fear gives us another context to shape our lives, another filter to peer through. I have experienced some pretty severe fear, and in embracing it have become EXTREMELY gutsy....(sometimes I scare my Mom to death, and my siblings wonder what happened to their mild mannered sister) but when you come face to face with...well.....its like this....

Fear enveloped me. "I will wait in the shadows and blow you away. I don't care if I have to spend a lifetime in prison, it will be worth it to see you gone!"

It was the voice of a client who has schizophrenia. For the second time in two months, one of my clients would rather have me in the morgue than in service to them.

My naivete was stripped from me. For five years I had tirelessly and fearlessly served the severely, chronically mentally ill population. The nature of my position required I work with those who were ordered by the court into mental health treatment: these were the clients who had been the most severely ravaged by one of several psychotic disorders. I never once, until this point, had stopped to think of the danger connected to being in relationship with these unique people.

As reality collided with my perceptions, I plummeted into the murky depths of the abyss. Seeking professional assistance, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I simply knew I was not my normal self. People noticed a change even in my voice. Fear reigned.

Paradoxically, by completely embracing my fear, becoming fully conscious of the darkness, I was inviting in the light. Accepting an invitation into the catacombs was also giving myself the gift of exploration. Saying yes to a leave of absence from my workplace, I had license experience the Fear-Courage cycle in its entirety.

Just as fear came in many surprising disguises, so did courage.

Taking a leave from my job, admitting to the need to completely embrace and get through the struggle was one of the most courageous acts I have ever taken. It created a complete divorce from my colleagues as I crossed the bridge from being a mental health provider to being a mental health consumer. Not one of the clinicians I practiced with could make the leap alongside me, holding my hand. I had heard about stigma, but it took enormous courage to actually experience stigma first hand.

My courage became my cloak and my shield as I took each therapeutic step as well. For example, at the heart of therapy is that I dive into the trauma to reconnect with it. My clinician lead me down the path to wholeness. I made the conscious decision to be stronger, tougher and more courageous than the fear that the death threats brought to me.

The longer I held the door open to courage, the stronger the courage became. As I became more conscious of courage, it lead to the study of my true life purpose. No longer did I have to fit into any one else's model or preconceived notion of who or what I was to be. The shackles of ordinariness where fear kept me hostage were now unlocked. With courage in my hand, my soul, and my being, I stepped into extraordinariness.

Its amazing sitting here remembering....my co-workers who would not come with me on my journey see me now and shake their heads in disbelief at the new life I have created.

It takes all I have sometimes to not jump up and down with glee, and tell them how sorry I am that they remain stuck....guess all they need is a couple death threats, eh?

Now I welcome that feeling of fear, because I know it is my spirit urging me to the next level.




You can get the full story here

Julie,

What a fantastic post! I also read the story on your web site.... It was gripping.... EVERYONE should read it.... I also just ordered your free ebook and listened to your message of the day! :)

Thank you Julie for sharing so passionately and helping us all become passionate too....

Julie, the world needs more people like you.... :)

Thanks....

And if you haven't checked out Julie's 5 Passions web site yet, what are you waiting for? Go there now! :)

- Dien




5 Passions, you owe it to yourself to check it out :)

If you're not part of the problem, or part of the solution... you're part of the landscape. (Robert DeNiro, Ronin)

Your post reminded me of two things... one made me rather uncomfortable... the other, uplifting.

First, my discomfort... in a previous business of mine I had to pay a visit to a person who worked in a high-security mental ward.

The first words out of the short, muscle-bound doorman's mouth after establishing my right to enter were... stay close, if anything happens get behind me. He then opened a very thick steel door and I entered the mouth of madness.

I'd been in mental wards before... but this... this was different.

Outwardly I was calm. But inside, I was assessing everything. ALL my senses were in a heightened state of alert. I was constantly analysing potential escape routes, weapons, etc. Trying to stay one teeny tiny step ahead, just in case.

It didn't take me long to realise the "inmates" of this "prison" had great regard and respect for the guard. And that eased me no end. As did experiencing this NEW environment with someone ready to hold my hand.

My next visit to the same place didn't have that same element of fear attached to it. I was still alert, you had to be. But I was, if there is such a thing, used to it.

The unknown thing had been experienced and I'd come out of it fine.

The second thing your post reminded me of was a story about a lady... a lady whose husband left her with parting words to the effect... "You're holding me back. I'm leaving. You'll never amount to anything... all you'll ever be is some housewife."

Here was a woman who'd spent the majority of her adult life raising a family while her husband provided.

Imagine the fear she felt to have that world... that support, in all its forms (emotional, finacial, etc.)... yanked out from under her.

Did she go crawling off to whimper in some corner?

Nope.

She embraced the fear of her husband being right and proved him wrong. In a big way.

Turns out HE was holding her back. HA!

Michael Ross.