X204 - Business Communication or Erik learns to write a memo

Since I've told you all of where I am and what I'm doing, I've decided a few of you might get a kick out of my first assignment for a business communications class.

A kick is what I wanted to give after being subjected to it.

Maybe in a joking way, it can help solidify and reignite some of the reasons within all of us for not wanting to work in certain kinds of environments.

I know it has for me. And good god, this is just the first assignment.

The assignment was:

Memo 1

Your boss tells you:

I’ve recently been bothered by the number of employees wearing Walkmans on the job. They are appearing on the heads of employees of all ages, not just those in their 20s. While these workers appear to get the work done, they close others off by wearing these devices. This is a problem where employees are working in teams and interaction is needed. I'm also worried about the distraction the music could cause, leading to miscommunication, mistakes, and maybe even accidents. Send a memo to all employees prohibiting the use of Walkmans on the job.

(You recognize some of the arguments workers will present. Some will claim the beat of the music speeds them up, making them more productive. Others will say it relieves stress and improves the quality of their work. And some may even say it helps them tolerate the boring work they're doing. In writing your directive prohibiting the use of Walkmans on the job, you realize the need to overcome some of these objections. Use plenty of you-viewpoint, stressing reader benefits as much as possible.)

Ok, sounds like your typical "Office Space" stuff.

Simple. So I sit down. Open up my word processor.

Start creating memo.

Suddenly I realize I would never right a memo like that, that I could never have a boss like that. Ah, but I did get accepted to the Kelley School of Business. Cookie cutter, worker bee drone clones by the thousand fighting and sabotaging each other for the prestigious summer internship with Johnson and Johnson. (What am I doing here?)

No matter, I came up with half tongue in cheek (but not so clever) and half real garbage which I found to be absolutely perfect for using.

Here's my turned in memo:

DATE: January 23, 2003

MEMO TO: All employees

FROM: Erik Lukas, Marketing Director

SUBJECT: USE OF WALKMEN ON THE JOB

In response to a request from one of my superiors, I must inform you that the use of walkmen will no longer be allowed in our workplace.

The walkmans are a problem because they cut off interaction with other workers. The importance of teamwork in our organization is paramount, and we believe the use of walkmen is dampening the resolve and strength of our teamwork.

There may be a few who would argue that music makes workers more productive and can actually improve the quality of their work. We think this can better be achieved by more interaction between individuals in our workplace.

Thank you for your cooperation on this issue.

And here's what my memo is in the fantasy world: (And what I almost turned in when I briefly considered just dropping the class after a minute of looking at the assignment)

DATE: January 23, 2003

MEMO TO: All employees

FROM: Erik Lukas, Marketing Director

SUBJECT: USE OF WALKMEN ON THE JOB

In response to a request from the boss, I must inform you that the use of walkmen is from this day forth prohibited in our workplace.

The walkmans are a problem because they cut off interaction with other workers. Why, employees would simply be able to cut themselves off from the endless nit-picking and soul stealing which is so much a part of our organization.

The importance of teamwork in our organization is paramount, and we believe the use of walkmen is a crime on par with murder.

There may be a few who would argue that music makes workers more productive and can actually improve the quality of their work. We would like to find these individuals so they can be tagged, watched, and hopefully dismissed in the near future.

The fact is that there’s a lot we could do to improve the quality of our work. Not stuffing you in cubicles like sardines and insulting you with interoffice memos would be a nice start. But we’re not going to do either of those.

Bottom line: The old man doesn’t like walkmen. He’s old. What did you expect?

A few individuals may voice the opinion that listening to music improves the quality of their work. Indeed it does. But the workplace is no place to have fun. And quality is not important. Just look at how much time is put into crafting useless interoffice memos every day.

Personally, I’ll be buying a non-walkman pair of stereo headphones and listening to them instead.

Thank you for your cooperation on this issue, fellow slaves.

(I’m bound to fit in well, eh?)

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Kind of makes me want to buy Better Jobs and Cash Cow Profits and listen to it 17 times :)

Success,

Erik Lukas