From a friend or was it Gordon?

"A Christmas Story: Lovable Louise"
> > > >> >
> > > >> > As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of
> > > pantyhose over his
> > > >fireplace
> > > >> > before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for
> > > Santa to fill them.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > What they say about Santa checking the list
> > > twice must be true because
> > > >> every
> > > >> > Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'
> > > stockings were overflowing, his
> > > >> poor
> > > >> > pantyhose hung sadly empty and grew
> > > increasingly treadbare.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > One year I decided to make his dream come true.
> > > I put on sunglasses and
> > > >a
> > > >> > fake beard and went in search of an inflatable
> > > love doll.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > Of course, they don't sell those things at
> > > Walmart. I had to go to an
> > > >> adult
> > > >> > bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
> > > X-rated store, don't
> > > go.
> > > >> > You'll only confuse yourself. I was there
> > > almost three hours saying
> > > >things
> > > >> > like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!"
> > > "Who owns that?" "Do
> > > you
> > > >> > have their phone number?"
> > > >> >
> > > >> > Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll
> > > section. I wanted to buy a
> > > >> > standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a
> > > night of romance that could
> > > >> also
> > > >> > substitute as a passenger in my car so I could
> > > use the car pool lane
> > > >> during
> > > >> > rush hour.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > I'm not sure what a complicated doll is.
> > > Perhaps one that is subject to
> > > >> wild
> > > >> > mood shifts and using a French accent for no
> > > reason at all. (That also
> > > >> > describes a few ex-boyfriends.) Finding what
> > > I wanted was difficult.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > Love dolls come in many different models. The
> > > top of the line,
> > > according
> > > >> to
> > > >> > the side of the box, could do things
> > > >> > I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I
> > > figured the
> > > >"vibro-motion"
> > > >> > was a feature Jay could live without, so I
> > > settled for "Lovable
> > > Louise."
> > > >> She
> > > >> > was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
> > > Louise a "doll" took a
> > > >> > huge leap of imagination.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old
> > > bicycle pump, Louise came to
> > > >> life.
> > > >> > My sister-in-law was in on the plan and
> > > cleverly left the front door
> > > key
> > > >> > hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours,
> > > long after Santa had
> > > >come
> > > >> > and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the
> > > dangling pantyhose with
> > > >> > Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
> > > some cookies and drank
> > > what
> > > >> > remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
> > > Then I let myself out,
> > > >went
> > > >> > home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > The next morning my brother called to say that
> > > Santa had been to his
> > > >house
> > > >> > and left a present that had made him VERY happy
> > > but had left the dog
> > > >> > confused. He would bark, start to walk away,
> > > then come back and bark
> > > >> > some more. I suggested he purchase an
> > > inflatable Lassie to set Rover
> > > >> > straight. We also agreed that Louise should
> > > remain in her pantyhose so
> > > >the
> > > >> > rest of the family could admire her when they
> > > came over for the
> > > >> traditional
> > > >> > Christmas dinner.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > It seemed like a great idea, except that we
> > > forgot that Grandma and
> > > >> Grandpa
> > > >> > would be there. My grandmother noticed Louise
> > > the moment she walked in
> > > >> the
> > > >> > door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My
> > > brother quickly
> > > >> > explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with
> > > something like that?"
> > > >> > Granny snapped. I had several candidates in
> > > mind, but kept my mouth
> > > >shut.
> > > >> > "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. I
> > > hadn't seen any in the
> > > >box,
> > > >> > but I kept this information to myself.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay
> > > said, trying to steer
> > > her
> > > >> > into the dining room. But Granny was
> > > relentless. "Why doesn't she
> > > >have
> > > >> > any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but
> > > why would I? It was
> > > >> > Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back
> > > of the ambulance
> > > >saying,
> > > >> > "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
> > > >> >
> > > >> > My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
> > > eyesight, sidled up to
> > > me
> > > >> and
> > > >> > said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the
> > > fireplace?" I told him she was
> > > >> Jay's
> > > >> > friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa
> > > by the mantel, talking
> > > >> > to Louise. Not just talking, but actually
> > > flirting. It was then that we
> > > >> > realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas
> > > at home.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > The dinner went well. We made the usual small
> > > talk about who had
> > > died,
> > > >> who
> > > >> > was dying, and who should be killed, when
> > > suddenly Louise made a noise
> > > >> that
> > > >> > sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in
> > > the morning.
> > > >> > Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew
> > > around the room twice, and
> > > >> fell
> > > >> > in a heap in front of the sofa.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce
> > > through my nose, and
> > > Grandpa
> > > >> ran
> > > >> > across the room, fell to his knees, and began
> > > administering mouth to
> > > >mouth
> > > >> > resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and
> > > Granny threw down her
> > > >napkin,
> > > >> > stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and
> > > remember Merry Christmas and
> > > >> Happy
> > > >> > Holidays to One and All!!!!!
> > > >> >
> > > >> >