Thanks Gordon....

Hi Gordon,

Thanks for sharing the story of your teacher, Mr. Cosgarea.... That certainly was unusual!

By the way, this reminds me of something.... I read about this in Joe Sugarman's book, I think it was in "Advertising Secrets of the Written Word."

One of the things I've loved about Joe Sugarman's advertising is his writing style.... It has a wonderful "feel" to it....

I finally learned what his "secret" was. Revise. Revise. Revise.

Here's a first draft of part of an ad for a bathroom scale, from Sugarman's book (p. 103)...

Losing weight is not easy. Ask anyone.
And, if you've tried it, you know that part of a good weight reduction program is your bathroom scale. A bathroom scale is like a report card. It's a feedback mechanism that tells you how well you've done. In fact, one of the few pleasures of losing weight is stepping on your bathroom scale and seeing the positive results.

Now, here's what it looked like after he revised and condensed it.

Losing weight is not easy. Ask anyone.
One of the few pleasures of losing weight is stepping on your bathroom scale and seeing positive results. Your bathroom scale is like a report card -- a feedback mechanism that tells you how well you've done.

Elegant, and more powerful. :)

Thank you Gordon, and also to Mr. Cosgarea and Joe Sugarman!

- Dien