Warning Labels Mandated by 20th Century Physics

Bob Beckman sent this to me - it's great stuff. (Thanks Bob!)

- Dien


Warning Labels Mandated by 20th Century Physics

As safety experts and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

Proposed New Product Warnings:

WARNING

This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING

This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION

The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE

This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE

Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY

There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE

According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT

In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW

Any Use of This Product, In Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE

The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION

Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER

The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled To Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" Into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE

Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE

The Subatomic Particles Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING

Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS

The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

dno
> Bob Beckman sent this to me - it's great
> stuff. (Thanks Bob!)

> - Dien

> Warning Labels Mandated by 20th Century
> Physics

> As safety experts and concerned citizens, we
> applaud the recent trend towards legislation
> that requires the prominent placing of
> warnings on products that present hazards to
> the general public. Yet we must also offer
> the cautionary thought that such warnings,
> however well-intentioned, merely scratch the
> surface of what is really necessary in this
> important area. This is especially true in
> light of the findings of 20th century
> physics.

> Proposed New Product Warnings:

> WARNING

> This Product Warps Space and Time in Its
> Vicinity.

> WARNING

> This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of
> Matter in the Universe, Including the
> Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
> Force Proportional to the Product of the
> Masses and Inversely Proportional to the
> Distance Between Them.

> CAUTION

> The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy
> Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net
> Ounce of Weight.

> HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE

> This Product Contains Minute Electrically
> Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in
> Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per
> Hour.

> CONSUMER NOTICE

> Because of the "Uncertainty
> Principle," It Is Impossible for the
> Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
> Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast
> It Is Moving.

> ADVISORY

> There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero
> Chance That, Through a Process Known as
> "Tunneling," This Product May
> Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present
> Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in
> the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's
> Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
> Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience
> That May Result.

> READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE

> According to Certain Suggested Versions of a
> Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
> Constituting This Product May Decay to
> Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred
> Million Years.

> THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT

> In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
> Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a
> Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

> PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW

> Any Use of This Product, In Any Manner
> Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of
> Disorder in the Universe. Although No
> Liability is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is
> Warned That This Process Will Ultimately
> Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

> NOTE

> The Most Fundamental Particles in This
> Product Are Held Together by a
> "Gluing" Force About Which Little
> Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power
> Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

> ATTENTION

> Despite Any Other Listing of Product
> Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is
> Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
> Consists of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

> NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER

> The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled
> To Claim That This Product Is
> Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is
> Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights
> Above and Beyond Those Applicable to
> Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven
> New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up"
> Into Such a Small "Area" That They
> Cannot Be Detected.

> PLEASE NOTE

> Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That
> When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing
> This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will
> Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined
> State.

> COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE

> The Subatomic Particles Comprising This
> Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
> Measurable Respect as Those Used in the
> Products of Other Manufacturers, and No
> Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
> Expressed or Implied.

> HEALTH WARNING

> Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This
> Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its
> Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity
> Relative to the User.

> IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS

> The Entire Physical Universe, Including This
> Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an
> Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another
> Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the
> Existence of This Product in That Universe
> Cannot Be Guaranteed.

Hi,

I slightly rewrote some of your warnings, viz:

--

The Person Wearing This Shirt Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance between Them.

SO KEEP YOUR DISTANCE!

--

EXTREME DANGER!!

The Mass of The Individual Wearing This Shirt Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

--

BELIEVE IT OR NOT:

Despite My Appearance, Onlookers Are Advised That, in Actuality, I Consist of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

--

Best,

- Boyd

Hi Boyd,

I happen to be on the "thinness-challenged" side myself.... I like your rewrites! I bet T-shirts like this could start a "mini-fad".... :)

Wow, very creative! (And funny too!) I wish I'd thought of it! ;)

- Dien

> The Person Wearing This Shirt Attracts Every
> Other Piece of Matter in the Universe with a
> Force Proportional to the Product of the
> Masses and Inversely Proportional to the
> Distance between Them.

> SO KEEP YOUR DISTANCE!

> --

> EXTREME DANGER!!

> The Mass of The Individual Wearing This
> Shirt Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
> Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

> --

> BELIEVE IT OR NOT:

> Despite My Appearance, Onlookers Are Advised
> That, in Actuality, I Consist of
> 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

> --

> Best,

> - Boyd