Toilet Product Development Journal. Volume 7. September Issue.

Toilet Product Development Journal. Volume 7. September Issue.

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HELP WIPE OUT TERRORISM WITH BIN LADEN TOILET PAPER
BEAVERTON, Ontario (Wireless Flash) -- It had to happen sooner or later: Someone has created Osama bin Laden toilet paper.
Canadian entrepreneur Allan Park has just started selling custom-printed rolls of toilet paper emblazoned with the accused terrorist mastermind's mug.
The $19-a-roll terrorist TP was created with ink jet printers that transfer a photo-quality image on each square of tissue.
But because of the inks used in the process, the makers recommend you don't actually use the novelty tissue in the bathroom.
So far, Park has only sold a few rolls of the terrorist tp, but says he's prepared to do mass runs if more orders flow in.

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* * *
"PALO ALTO, CA (Onion, Inc.) — In a revolutionary breakthrough with the potential to forever
alter the way humans defecate, Palo Alto-based Internet company Ascent Technologies announced Monday the successful development of the first-ever "e-toilet."

* * * "It's incredibly exciting," said Ascent CEO Jeff Scoscia, considered
by members of the digerati to be the father of the cyberdump. "The
e-toilet will revolutionize on-line waste elimination through the democratization
of access to high-speed electronic bathrooms."
* * * "Of course, rudimentary pee-commerce has been around almost as long
as the Internet itself," Scoscia said, "but our new e-toilet will
bring the Internet into the next millennium with real-time point, click
and sh#$ capability."
* * * Scoscia noted that "Number 2.0," as Silicon Valley insiders have
dubbed it, will be cross-platform compatible and fully 2K Flushes compliant.
In addition, he said, it will feature significantly wider, more comfortable
bandwidth to accommodate even the most massive user download.
* * * Though e-toilet prototypes have existed for years, the Ascent model's flexibility
and ease of use make it the first on-line sh#$ting system that users are
expected to embrace on a mass scale.
* * * "No more frustrating lock-up problems—and even the most novice cybersh#$ter
can easily mount the e-toilet on his or her desktop," said Wiredassociate editor Graham Roehner, whose 25-page special report on the
future of cyberdefecation will appear in the magazine's November issue.
"Just log on, log out, and log off. It's that simple."
* * * "In the near future," he added, "everyone will sh#$ on-line."
Above: An e-toilet processes a large user download.
* * * According to Roehner, other features of the e-toilet include real-time urine-streaming,
the capacity to add Plug-Ins, and six months free membership in the popular
on-line lavatory community eBidet. In addition, it has full multitasking
capability, enabling cybersh#$ters to read on-line versions of magazines
and newspapers while on the e-toilet.
* * * The Advent e-toilet also has a decisive edge over previous models in the
area of on-line security.
* * * "It used to be that just any netizen could interrupt you while you
were downloading on an e-toilet," said Fast Company technology
reporter Warren Dishman. "But thanks to this new e-toilet's advanced 64-bit encraption algorithm, there is a greatly reduced chance of barge-in.
AOL users who are used to interruption from the dreaded Instant Message
won't have to worry about the IM-BM conflict any longer. And up to 24 network
users can use a single e-toilet without fear of catching a virus, no matter
who has used it before them."
* * * As proud as e-toilet designers are of the "line after line of fat code"
they laid down while beta-testing their new platform, they said they are
even prouder of the breakthrough design of its user interface.
* * * "Early e-toilets forced users to keep a lot of windows open, so e-dumpers
lacked the kind of privacy you want while doing your business," said
designer Peter Cheng, a self-described "whiz kid" who has put
hundreds of gigaflops through the new e-toilet without once encountering
the dreaded, bomb-emblazoned "sh#$ Failed" message. "As a result of all the open windows, many users, feeling uncomfortable and nervous,
would 'back up,' often leading to painful RAM problems, corrupted cache,
and the embarrassment of having to wipe and reformat the entire root directory
after a botched download."
* * * According to Scoscia, the Ascent e-toilet's innovative "Unplug &
Play" desktop tiling is cleaner, more customizable and 80 percent less
likely to collect "cookies" than those of other e-toilets.
* * * "For three years—an eternity in this field—the story has been, 'Same
sh#$, different data,'" Scoscia said. "Well, no more. We've seen
the last of computer users sitting at their terminals broken-hearted, having
paid $99, but couldn't start it."
* * * "With the new Advent e-toilet, cutting-edge cyberdump technology has
finally arrived and is within reach for all Americans," said Scoscia,
smiling. "The question is: Do you want to go today?"

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