What do you think of this?

what do you think of this for selling burglar alarms off the page?

"Breakthrough Home-Security technology used by celebrities and Royal Palace at last available to the general public"
Advanced space-age technology used to protect a royal palace and famous celebrities finally made available to the general public
By Lucy Clarke

There is now a home-security system so advanced and effective that is used by many household-name celebrities, famous football players and even a Royal Palace. The secret lies in its advanced space-age technology that actually stops thieves and burglars on the outside of your home.

Such is its effectiveness that Insurance companies have even decided to lower insurance premiums for people who purchase one. Says Barrie Goehler, Managing Director “Insurance companies know how effective this system is. Consequently they are prepared to offer lower premiums to people who have one installed. It’s been specifically engineered as a complete, all-in-one home-protection system.”

Hi-Tec Security Ltd. is the company behind this revolutionary technology. They have recently produced a new booklet called Safeguarding your home the easy way which is available FREE upon request. It tells you the seven commonest (yet least-known) mistakes made around the average household which expose you to burglary, theft and fire, along with further details of their “celebrity system” and how you can claim a FREE dummy CCTV system. To get your copy call their FREE recorded, 24-hour hotline number on 0800 876 546. Please note that early requests are advised as supplies are limited.

I think I'd rewrite it with a "you-based/you-benefit" angle.

As an ad, it's so-so... as an article (speaking as an editor), it wouldn't grab my attention. First sentences would say "oh. Ad disguised as news article." and I'd heave it to the trashcan.

As Gentle Reader, it triggers my "suspicion factor." Advanced technologies are mentioned, but it's never said what these technologies are or how they work. There's no documentation on which Royal Palace it protects (that of a very minor Saudi Arabian prince?) There's no mention of which insurance companies lower rates if you install it. And I'd wonder if these are the same seven or eight tips that your local Crimestoppers (police division) gives out.

And what in the heck is a "dummy CCTV" and why would I want one?

Anyway, that's the Skeptical Reader's take. You need the reactions of other people as well!