I couldn't resist another comment :)

> For every kid who was "forced" to
> getting good grades, and who today holds
> that against their parents, you will find
> another person who is

> GRATEFUL

> for having been pushed. For having their
> parents care enough to force them to learn
> to excel.

> So, again, the trauma is a question of
> perspective, one of filtering...and that is
> clearly shown on SQ1...

I thought I'd comment on this, since this fits me pretty well....

My parents pushed me to excel, but I think where they may have been different from some other parents was that they gave me complete choice regarding what I would do.... So they didn't generally force me to do any particular thing or to be any particular thing.... Their main rule was, whatever I chose to do, I should try to do the absolute best I could do at it....

So, when it came to school for example, they let me pick whatever subjects I wanted to. And it was the same at university.... They said they just wanted me to be happy doing whatever I wanted to do....

But whatever it was I chose, they encouraged me to FOCUS and do the best I could do....

And I'm actually grateful for that....

- Dien

Dien,

Just reflecting a bit...

I noticed the word 'choice' that you used in your post above and it always impacts me deeply when I come across that word.

Isn't the idea of 'choice' a tremendously powerful thing? I really like that word - choice.
Love it as a matter of fact...if it is ok to love a word. :)

At every cross-road and turning point in my life ...and through every tragic event, just knowing that I had a choice in even the most dire of situations has always been mighty empowering.

I read a book entitled CHOICES many years ago. Actually I think that there have been many books by that same title. It really opened my eyes... a lot - and I've had a new respect for it's meaning ever since.

After all, it's not about what happens TO you, but what you decide to do about it (involving choice) that makes it more possible to successfully overcome adversity.

The *best* choices should be the cornerstone of every decision we make. But I wonder how many people are impulsive in their choices and make them in haste and without considering the long term consequences of their choices - and later...not wanting to take full responsibility for the choices that they made. Instead, it's so easy to just shrugg off the bad choices - blaming others for being bad influences on our choices - parents, spouses, friends, etc. Not *owning* our choices.

In all the seemingly little choices that we make daily, shouldn't we always be mindful that all of them - dare I say all? - contribute to creating our character. Even the choice to spend a few minutes exercising for the sake of our health and well-being is important. And the yummy endorphins that we can derive from that exercise may even help us to make better choices. Well, maybe. :)

Yet, I don't think that it is ever impossible to overcome making bad choices. That would result in the loss of hope. And hope is so important.

We are evolving throughout our lifetimes. It is always possible to change our choices to improve our lives. In our youth, we may not always know what is best for us. Since we are only human, we may make a few really dumb decisions on the way to growing up and maturing.

But when a person becomes fully conscious of the understanding of the idea that he/she really, really DOES have choices in life, won't it very likely be the real *key* to a more successful destiny. (habits > character > destiny)

I admire parents who attempt to do their best to create an environment for their children where they can thrive. Parents, by serving as good role models, can help to condition children to make good choices. Or maybe not. I've seen just the opposite prove true as well.

But what really impresses me are the children who come out of broken homes and living on the streets and without any parental guidance or nurturing...but who somehow manage to overcome the odds and to triumph in spite of their circumstances. Wow. Those are the truly special people to admire.

I wonder if the power of the belief or realization that they had 'choices' in life is what gave them the impetus to rise above it all -and to become the best possible specimens of human beings that they could?

For many years, I have frequently heard that resiliency is important to our mental/emotional health. Supposedly resilient people always believe that they have 'choices' and are thus more likely to bounce back after various life 'shocks' or hardships.

Becoming more resilient seems to be something to strive for.

Well, choice is my 'word of the day' today to contemplate and to really develop an ongoing and even deeper appreciation for. Believing in the potentially liberating power of choices can certainly help to free us from our own 'personal prisons' that WE create in our minds which contribute to keeping some of us bound and chained to a less than potent life.

*Choice*...I like what that word represents!

~ Amber

Hi Everyone!

I have been ill for the last six days or so, and I have really missed the discussions. As always, thought provoking discussion abounds!

Here are some thoughts I have put together from this discussion:

Overlying theme, from Gordon:

1) Know your wanted experiences. 2) Take Action. 3) Learn what doesn't work, or does, and continue. 4) Adjust and more action.
There you go. Two great minds, one simple idea...
DO WHAT WORKS.
Gordon Alexander

Sandy said:

My point is ...don't you think some people have to hit rock bottom before they wake up from their hypnotic state?

*****Sandy, I could relate to this, because I often refer
to my "Pre-Death Threat phase" (long story, see my website
if you don't know what I am talking about!) As being in a
"coma"......working as a Government Bureaucrat, doing
important work, true, but within an agency that squelched my
spirit.

I remember clearly the day the job offer came in.....I had
interviewed the day before, arriving a couple minutes late, asking
tough questions, not caring whether I got the job because I did not
want it.

They called me and offerred me the job. I called my husband and heard
the relief in his voice that I got the job. See, if I got the government job
with the awesome benefits, then he could quit his job and start his own
practice and all would be fine and dandy. I cried when I said, "They offered
me the job." He did not hear the tears, I suppose.

I chose to be a dutiful wife, a provider for my kids and off to work I went
by choice every day for nearly five years and literally slipped into a coma.
Underneath it all was the same Julie you see today, but in my daily choices
I fell deeper and deeper and deeper.

Looking at my Life Pictogrigm that I worked on today, I realize that the Death Threats
are not part of the "random" 5-10% some people might see them as. Instead, they were
necessary to my future! After all, I could have gone BACK to that place of
existence after my Death Threats and fallen back into that old pattern, but I chose
to break the pattern. At the top left hand corner of the pictogrigm it says "PREMISE:
Our results come from our behaviours." When I first copied it, I wrote "PROMISE"
instead of PREMISE....fitting, eh?

GORDON wrote:
It has been my experience that most people have NO IDEA what they need to do. Why? Because they don't know what they want.
If they have a goal, a purpose, a passion or a want, if they have a well defined plan, they overcome all that other stuff.

****Another obstacle for many is Fear. So the choice that comes into play is one going to run from fear, or allow fear to be the fuel to reach higher places?
Last night I was teaching a class, and one of the participants asked, "How did you do it? How did you take the leap from employee to entrepreneur?"
In one respect, she was asking, "How can it be less scary for me? How can this be a paint by number experience so I can ensure I will not be a complete failure?"
A friend asked me a couple weeks ago, when I was completely derailed by Katherine (my 8 year old) being placed in a classroom I did not want for her, meaning I would need to negotiate the
Public School bureaucracy) "What would you do if you had no fear?"
So my magic wand for people is frequently that question.
Ask yourself that question---->take action---->learn what works--->adjust and take action again! Sound familiar!? Its cause it WORKS!
Gordon Continued:
I don't accept the premise of the victim. I believe we spent most of the 90's in that idea.
*****Another example I use with people....magic word combination. Its best in person, cause I talk so much with my hands. I tell people this:
"You have a choice....you can be a VICTIM(open one hand) or you can be a VICTOR(open the other). Anytime, Anyplace. You have the choice.

Gordon Continues, Singing from the same Songbook:
At the moment of AWARENESS, there is CHOICE.
You can choose to stay anchored in the past, in the trauma, you can choose to allow it to have a powerful influence on your life, or you can choose to replace it with new habits, new thoughts and a new future that is INDEPENDENT of past events.

Dien adds to the discussion:

On the other hand, I also understand I think what Gordon is trying to say, which is about the idea of victimhood....
I think if you see yourself as a victim, it can help you to stay in your circumstances. A victim is someone who seems the cause of their trouble being *outside* of themselves.
Having a victim-type mentality means that you won't work on improving your own situation by working on yourself, because you see the problem outside of yourself.
****And ironically, folks looking from the Victim mentality tend to see everything revolving around them, even though they are responsible for nothing.
Those with a victim mentality tends to expect everything yet choose to give nothing in return.
The joy comes from the transforming of one's life from VICTIM to VICTOR. When the decision is made, the choice is clear, that being a victim serves no one, least of all either oneself or ones family.

Finally, Amber joins in....

> Isn't the idea of 'choice' a tremendously
> powerful thing? I really like that word -
> choice.

****Amber and all, I use this word ALL the time with my children as well as my clients. I was speaking with Bianca yesterday, who at 19 really needs to be working (she is only taking 11 units and spends far too much time lying on the couch watching M-TV). I told her about a job opening, and she said, "I will have Julio take me" (her boyfriend).

I said, "No, sweetie. I will take you, he is 19 and has never worked. He obviously does not place high value in earning an income and all the lessons learned from having a part time job"

Her response: "Well, he is taking 19 units."

My response: "Because he CHOSE to not work hard in his classes LAST year, because he CHOSE to not take any summer school classes, and instead sit around all summer, because he CHOSE to do other things in the past, so now he will be a college sophomore with no pocket money except for what his parents CHOOSE to give him. It is ALLLLLL CHOICES."

Katherine, (age 8) even has a standard "CHOICE" inspirational message she gives to her friends when the shoe fits....what is that saying? The apple does not fall far from the tree?

> Love it as a matter of fact...if it is ok to
> love a word. :)

> After all, it's not about what happens TO
> you, but what you decide to do about it
> (involving choice) that makes it more
> possible to successfully overcome adversity.

AMEN! And we circled back nicely to being VICTORIOUS! And Amber, "love" is not only acceptable, it is graciously received...at least by me!

Great conversation Everyone!

With Purpose and Passion,

JULIE




5passions

> ****And ironically, folks looking from the
> Victim mentality tend to see everything
> revolving around them, even though they are
> responsible for nothing.

That is such an unbelievably profound, deep and far-reaching statement/concept!

One of the biggest reasons for poverty and the like is a lack of PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. Most people (unfortunately me included more than I'd like to admit ;-) blame "external forces" rather than accepting internal responsibility for their present situation.

I know this is a variant on a basic psychological principal, but one saying I made up (or at least put in these words) is "EVERYONE is exactly as they are right now this very minute, because of everything that happened to them in their own individual, unique past." However, now that I'm thinking about *that statement*.... I interpret that as "they," therefore, are acting as VICTIMS almost by definition of the "happened to" statement.

Sure "sh!t happens" put it comes down to do you let (sh)IT happen *to* you -- or do you properly react to it, and therefore control it.

Victim or Victor, I like that!!!!

Paul


A old salesletter for one of the sites I'm trying to sell

Amber,

I never really thought about it before this.... but you're right, "choice" is an incredible word! :) There's a lot there hiding underneath the surface of this incredible word.... :)

> At every cross-road and turning point in my
> life ...and through every tragic event, just
> knowing that I had a choice in even the most
> dire of situations has always been mighty
> empowering.

Yes, I can understand that....

Even someone in prison has choices....

They could choose to just while away the hours doing nothing in particular....

Or they could (for example) choose to educate themselves. I remember reading the occasional news story about prisoners who have educated themselves about various topics while they were in prison....

I bring up the topic of prisoners mainly because they are in a world designed to limit their choices. But even there, the choices exist....

> After all, it's not about what happens TO
> you, but what you decide to do about it
> (involving choice) that makes it more
> possible to successfully overcome adversity.

Yes.... I think that's a very wise paragraph. :)

> But what really impresses me are the
> children who come out of broken homes and
> living on the streets and without any
> parental guidance or nurturing...but who
> somehow manage to overcome the odds and to
> triumph in spite of their circumstances.
> Wow. Those are the truly special people to
> admire.

Yes, I feel the same way....

There are those individuals who have come from a difficult background, and who nevertheless have triumphed and succeeded. I think such people are really great heroes and heroines, whose stories we can learn from and cherish....

> I wonder if the power of the belief or
> realization that they had 'choices' in life
> is what gave them the impetus to rise above
> it all -and to become the best possible
> specimens of human beings that they could?

I think you're probably right, that's probably a KEY part of it!

> Well, choice is my 'word of the day' today
> to contemplate and to really develop an
> ongoing and even deeper appreciation for.
> Believing in the potentially liberating
> power of choices can certainly help to free
> us from our own 'personal prisons' that WE
> create in our minds which contribute to
> keeping some of us bound and chained to a
> less than potent life.

> *Choice*...I like what that word represents!

Wow, Amber, that was wonderful, full of wisdom.... I really believe that this is an important key....

Every day (or night) we have a whole array of choices before us. We can learn something new. We can work towards one of our goals. We can do some exercise. We can spend time with family. We can sit and watch TV. And many other possible things....

Just realizing these different choices are in front of us, and realizing that which choice we make will affect our life in some way (big or small), I think is an empowering thing!

Thank you Amber for those "seeds of wisdom".... :)

Dien