Please critique (+ vote on) my headlines -- Thanks!...

1)...

Is the slow economy hammering your business?
Are you on a tight budget?
Do you need more customers?

2)...

"Even though your product or service is EXCELLENT... If you don't have enough CUSTOMERS, you don't have a business!"

3)...

"FREE 30-minute meeting in your office shows you how to GET MORE CUSTOMERS -- GUARANTEED!"

4)...

“HELP! I need more customers -- but my advertising ‘budget’ is $0.00.”
(((Then, 'Does that sound like you? -- etc.)))

5)...

“Yes, I will show you how to GET MORE CUSTOMERS -- even if your advertising ‘budget’ is $0.00.”

6)...

“[Local town] man shows you how to GET MORE CUSTOMERS -- even if your advertising ‘budget’ is $0.00.”

________________________

I'd love to hear your thoughts + suggestions on these headlines. Thanks!!

-- TW

[Ankesh]

#3.

But you have to qualify the offer further in the salesletter. Give a reason why as to why you're giving 30 minute consultations for free.

And also errect barriers in place to only get qualified leads so that you don't get tire kickers to waste your time on free consults.

[Glenn]

Dear TW,

Thanks for listing some headlines.

Un-tested. I can tell.

Because none of them make me WANT to know more.
(No offense. I just had my own Ezine readers tell me the same thing.
I THANKED them. Wrote some Better headlines. ASKED their opinion again.)

Perhaps if I tell you how Gary Halbert (The guy who taught me to write)
tested his headlines that would help.

Years ago I was on the phone with Gary. Gary liked to talk to folks while
driving around in his car. One of his copy cubs (writers in training) would
drive.

Every couple minutes Gary would say, "Excuse me. Gotta' talk to
somebody." I'd hear some mumbling. Then he was back. This happened
over and over again.

Eventually - Gary handed the phone to his driver to talk to me while he
chatted with a crowd of women.

I was curious!

I asked the driver. "Why do people come over to your car and talk at every
stop light and crosswalk?

The kid said, "It's Embarrassing. Gary repainted his Mercedes HOT PINK.
Wherever we go women run over to the car Ooooh and aaahhh over it.
And then Gary asks their opinion of a sales letter he's working on. Drives
me nuts. I've heard it 50 times today."

I asked him, "Wow, but it sounds like you have more than one woman there
at the car now?"

"You can hear them? One girl comes over. Then a 2nd one. Then a third.
Pretty soon Gary is chatting to a crowd. Guys too."

I laughed. "The men LIKE the HOT PINK car?" I asked. "No, they think I'm
gay. But Gary doesn't care. He just LAUGHS. He's not driving!"

====================
====================
ACTION SUMMARY -

I hung up and promptly had the lady who makes my CHAIN MAILE ties make
me a HOT PINK metal tie. (Which works GREAT. Where-ever I go women
come over to compliment my tie.)

Because I recognized what Gary was doing.
Cuz I do it too.
Just not as efficiently!

Gary was attracting 100's of people over to his car.

Testing headlines. Subheads.
Opening Sentences.
The Reason Why.
And Offers on them until people started to say, "WHERE can I get that
product?"

THEN he'd go back to the office and write up a Guaranteed Winner. I know
they were winners Because I've been in the room many times when Gary
CLEARED the entire seminar room.

He'd READ a sales letter at a seminar.

70% of the people there rushed outside to order whatever he was s elling.
You can ONLY do that when you've Tested your copy lots and lots of times.

AHA!

Now we know ow Gary did it. So You can do it too.

So I ask my buyers
over and over "WHAT DO YOU WANT To BUY"

Give them --Thank You Bribes-- to get their Opinions.

Then create the WINNING product.

"UGLY COPYWRITING..." (for example) was a clear winner and has sold well.

Thanks,
Glenn Osborn

P.S. - The RULE is only borrow Proven, mega-successful Headlines. You can
starve trying to write your own....

Click on the link - Below - And You'll SEE the exact words I used to adapt
Gary's 1.00 bill letter Strategy. Put it right after the DEAR FRIEND, part of
my "UGLY" Sales Letter.

I use it a lot because that sucker has grossed billions - if you count Gary, his
clients and his readers.

Borrow the most profitable ideas you can find.

http://archive.enchantednlp.com/products.php?id=79

Hi Glenn...

I really appreciate you trying to help me.

For years you have been a complete enigma to me.

I am soon to be 51 years old. Who knows how many years I have left on the planet. So, I must ask myself how much time I should devote to trying to figure you out.

On the one hand, you seem to know what you're talking about. And you seem to be successful -- maybe even under-the-radar super successful -- I can't tell.

I see your ebay auction descriptions -- which force me to say, "HUH?!?!" or sometimes "Who in the WORLD is taking this seriously?!?!" -- Then I see dozens of bids, rising to tremendous amounts -- AND getting 100% RAVE REVIEWS -- thus forcing me to say, "DOUBLE HUH!?!? -- CAN'T BE -- but it *IS*!!"

Let me be clear -- NO ONE CAN ARGUE WITH SUCCESS!

And, who knows what else you've got going -- equally successful.

On the other hand, you seem to be the James Joyce of copywriting. I guess your copywriting MUST be 'hypnotic' -- cuz it sure ain't lucid.

As for myself...

I'm trying to...

A) Get positive responses to my solicitations (from small biz owners + other audiences)

AND

B) Not get carted off to the looney bin

I must get my message across -- without running the risk the recipient might think
the sales letter is a manifesto from the uni-bomber.

Please, Glenn, don't get me wrong -- if YOU are successful doing what you're doing -- MORE POWER TO YA!!

But, as for ME seeing + catching on to what you are doing (copywriting-wise) -- you lost me.

The verbal ball of wool is too difficult (for ME) to untangle. It just takes too much 'meditation' (or medication?)

There's quirky -- then there's around-the-bend quirky.

With the limited time I have left in (productive) life, I must be VERY VERY choosy about whuch 'gurus' I pick to 'glorify.'

At a this point I have to take each 'book' -- hold it up next to my face -- look myself SQUARELY in the mirror, and ask -- "Am I ever ***REALLY*** gonna read this book???"

If the answer is 'no,' I MUST (for my own sanity), put the book down forever, and move on.

Spending money wisely is important, spending time wisely is important -- and spending "glorification capital" wisely is perhaps most important of all.

I'm NOT saying the emperor (in this case) has no clothes -- in fact, I'm sure the emperor DOES have clothes. I'm saying *I* personally am unable to see the clothes -- and I've officially given up trying.

Yes -- I understand -- It's probably my loss. Acres of diamonds, blah, blah.

Cheers.

-- TW

[Ankesh]

Thanks TW.

De-crypting Glenn's last post - he is saying:

i. Test your words on the actual end users / buyers.

ii. Or better yet, start by asking the end users what they want to buy. Listen to them. And then give them what they want. Using their own words.

iii. Start copywriting by adapting the words used by kickass copywriters that have already worked - instead of starting to write the headlines from scratch.

----

I have referred Glenn and his website to a few folks before. And have always received mixed response. I think Glenn is the master of polarization. I'm not sure if he has crafted this image with a lot of care or if it just came about... but he is one of the few people who has been able to manage polarization in a way that:

i. People who love him - love him
ii. Others just feel confused or indifferent

Usually - polarization happens with love / hate. Not love / confusion. (The only other person who I can think of who had the exact same reaction from folks is R Buckminster Fuller.)

Glenn uses his writing as a barrier to entry. Not everyone can get past his writing. But the people who do - love the topics he writes on. I'm pretty sure that Glenn's refund rates - and he offers a 365 day refund option - are very very low. Thats because his writing style does the job of attracting his right people very well. And keeping others at bay.

Also - if you do spend the time to deconstruct one of his salesletters, you will find the AIDA formula at work there too. But just that things are jumbled around a bit. And bullet points and testimonials are strewn around as sharpnels. Which makes the salesletters messy but very very effective.

Hi Ankesh...

As I said, I'm sure there IS something to what Glenn does. I've always been sure of that. I'm quirky + I'm naturally attracted to quirky.

But, way-over-the-edge quirky takes WORK to wade through (James Joyce analogy) - and I just decided I don't want to expend the time/energy (ever again).

But here's a question...

Having a non-effective headline lowers response rate, yes?

Therefore it's part of a marketer's 'responsibility' to create (or swipe) ever more effective headlines. Makes sense.

Question is, how in the world do you (in the same breath) give a 'pass' to someone who's very STYLE "polarizes" the reader -- something which, by definition, LOWERS response rate(s). That polarization turns readers off as badly as any lousy headline would, it would appear -- no?

9/10 people receiving a "Glenn special" letter out of the blue (EVEN IF he 'selects' his audience carefully) will look at it for 12 seconds, declare, "WEIRDO," then toss it in the trash -- no?

When you say, "De-crypting," what you really mean is, he's basically not speaking English. He is making the reader "learn a new hobby" and jump through the de-crypting hoop.

That is a response rate CRUSHER -- as bad as any crappy headline -- no?

Like saying, "How to read this letter -- 1) Hold it up to a mirror... 2) Cross out every third letter... 3) Stand on your head..."

No one is going to go to the trouble of doing that -- no matter how "charming/quirky" the writer is trying to be.

It's a SPECTRUM. In my opinion Glenn has crossed over from the Paul Harvey end, right into the James Joyce red zone. The ore per ton of dirt ratio is too low! It just takes too much damn EFFORT to slog through.

So, why "tsk, tsk" bad headlines, whilst "allowing" a narrowly appealing overall STYLE (that also severely REDUCES response rates)??

-- TW

[GordonJ]

You recently posted that you were going to have a Don Alm summer. Right?

And you gave him (us) the three examples of what you are going to be doing, right?

Christmas coupons, pizza boxes (or something like that) and hotel channel guides.

So my question is, what are you writing headlines for? A different project?

In this post about your HEADLINES, you don't tell us what it is going to be used for, which certainly makes a difference as to what kind of headline and whatever comes after it, is to be used.

Alm projects are shoeleather in the street, and having done a few of them, they almost all depend on face to face presentations.

Especially the 3 you mention you are going to do. So, I was just wondering WHAT will you be using the headlines for? HOW do you help local businesses get more customers?

The answer determines what headline, if any of those, might be tested first.

Are you going to do "Alm esque" stuff for a few hours a week, and then do something with a 'direct marketing' aspect to it too?

I'm confused as to what you need headlines for.

Gordon

I wanted to see if, perhaps, there was a way to get biz's to call me re: the Alm stuff. Maybe have a direct mail piece that would do some of the pre-prospecting work for me -- the sorting. And/or have a letter in an envelope marked confidential I could leave with the name of the owner handwritten on the envelope to LEAVE with the employee when I walked into the biz unannounced and the owner was NOT there. At least that might maximize the use of my time + gas to do the in-person canvassing -- so, when an owner was not in, it would not be a TOTAL loss, potentially.

-- TW

[GordonJ]

OK TW,

I get it. But again, it is what comes after the headline which will help you write one.

How "developed" is your marketing piece? Is it a letter in an envelope? Then you first have to get the envelope opened.

A direct mail piece could be a postcard, a letter or a flyer or a "lumpy" package, etc.

I think you are trying to get businesses to raise their hands and say, "yes, I want more customers, what have you got for me?"

IF this is correct, then the advice would be to CUSTOMIZE every piece of mail. A little more time consuming, but much more effective. Example, you want a Dry Cleaner to advertise on your Pizza Box (now the pizza guy gets the boxes for FREE, so that should be an easy "sale", right?).

So your direct mail piece might have the teaser on the envelope, "How Dry Cleaners have found a way to get 22% more customers..." (Read How Inside) type of thing.

THEN, your headline matches up to the business, giving you much better chance of getting a face to face...so using YOUR headlines, it would look something like:

"Give me a 15 minute meeting at your Dry Cleaner (best if you name it) and I'll show you how to get up to 27% more customers..." etc.

Now, with today's cut and paste features, you just insert a new name into the Dry Cleaner slot...and you customize your letter.

See, you'll find that EVERY businessman thinks HIS business is unique...so if you speak in general business terms...he'll discount your message right from the start...BUT,

if you talk about HIS business, and how you have tested and proven methods to increase HIS business, you'll be greeted with a much more open mind which will save you tons of time, gas money and shoe leather.

YEA, it takes a little more effort and time to CUSTOMIZE your direct mail piece (not much)...but the results will be worth it...provided you have a good presentation and an Almlike "sample" of the product when you do get a call.

So, my OPINION is, the best headline is using some of what you have along with a custom tailored direct mail piece that will get the prospect thinking about HIS business in specific, not some general biz idea.

Also, and please let us know, but, I think you're going to find this direct mail effort to be a lot of wasted time...why not just use the phone? Then call in person? Hope you find a way to make it work though.

Gordon Alexander

Originally Posted by -TW

I wanted to see if, perhaps, there was a way to get biz's to call me re: the Alm stuff. Maybe have a direct mail piece that would do some of the pre-prospecting work for me -- the sorting. And/or have a letter in an envelope marked confidential I could leave with the name of the owner handwritten on the envelope to LEAVE with the employee when I walked into the biz unannounced and the owner was NOT there. At least that might maximize the use of my time + gas to do the in-person canvassing -- so, when an owner was not in, it would not be a TOTAL loss, potentially.

-- TW

[Ankesh]

Originally Posted by -TW

"polarizes" the reader -- something which, by definition, LOWERS response rate(s).

Actually - polarization increases the response rate.

A. Do you want to be mediocre for 100% of the population?

B. Or do you want 10% of the population to absolutely go gaga over you while letting the other 90% hate you?

B wins almost every time.

Thats why Fox News has become the biggest news cable channel out there.

Polarization decreases the population pool*. But increases the conversion and retention rates.

* Unless you are someone like Howard Stern. People who hate Howard Stern listen to him twice as long as people who love him

----

(Not sure where I was tsk-ing any headlines... I thought your #3 was pretty good actually.)