The CURSE of POSITIVE THINKING - The Cry Baby

Thanks for thinking.

The year was... well, too many years ago now. The cry baby lost another tennis match and burst into tears, again. This was a weekly occurrence.

Every week me and the other three members of my representative tennis team would play another district's rep team. Every week The Cry Baby would lose. Every week he would burst into tears.

Odd for a fifteen year old. Odd he wasn't getting used to losing.

The reason, it turns out, was his father.

Not that he was scared his father would get mad at him for losing. No. Because his father kept geeing him up. Kept telling him "he was going to win," "you'll beat him easy" and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Relentlessly. Never letting up. So much so, the cry baby believed it.

But when the true skill of the other player won the match and the cry baby lost, his world of positive thinking was destroyed. Mentally, he was devastated. The let down was too much to handle. Tears were the result.

This is what happens when positive thinking doesn't pan out as planned. This is what happens when reality knocks on the positive thinking door.

Consider the nonchalant. The neutral. The "don't give a rats either way." The "c'est la vie." The "if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't." The "don't care." The "in a hundred years who's gonna care anyway." The "it's nothing much in the grand scheme of things."

Without large and positive expectations there can be no let down no matter what the outcome.

By having low (no) expectations, you cannot be let down. You become emotionally detached from the event in question and are mentally free to deal with it.

Consider the person who starts a business. Their expectations are HIGH. The business MUST generate fulltime income right away. It has to because it needs to replace another full time income.

IF it doesn't generate fulltime income right away (which is more likely going to be the case), the budding entrepreneur gets disheartened. Something is wrong with the promotion, the product, the ideas of business as a whole. The "I knew it wouldn't work" and the "I told you so" people emerge. Negative thoughts replace the super positive one. Thoughts of being a failure - not "not achiving the desired result" but actually BEING a failure - flood the head. Maybe not cut out to be business owner. Blah blah blah.

How about the person whose life didn't depend on the enterprise succeeding to fulltime income levels right away? They will "take it in their stride." They will philosphically look at their results, be able to analyse them, and move on. Because they expected little (or nothing), they cannot be let down.

Watching the auditions of Australian Idol revealed the same thing. People with high expectations of themselves were devastated when they weren't "accepted" into the final 100. Those with little expectations - or who knew on some level they were not any good - were not disappointed or in any way let down.

While positive talk might help someone overcome some "ill" feeling now... it could ultimately cause greater "ill" feelings down the road.

Does that mean we should not encourage someone? No, not at all. There is a difference between encourage and positive thinking. Encouraging can take on many forms - like getting someone to understand that nothing "bad" will happen. For the worst case is usually not really that bad. Whereas positive thnking only focuses on the positive outcome - and that doesn't happen all the time in the really real world.

Michael Ross


Brain Food

There are many avenues of thought that could be taken from the story.

But the one I look at relates to the Father.

I have 10 children (8 girls - 2 boys), and I have struggled over the years with balancing the need to encourage, correct, and "be positive" with my children with facing the reality of limitations.

I've read those books, and wondered about...are there "real" limitations?

As you see each one develop and grow, you inherently see that they are unique, and that they all strong in some areas, and weak in others.

Balancing the "facts" of reality has been a constant tightrope walk over the years.

Instilling a "positive" outlook and attitude is important, but I would tend to favor a sort of revision to the concept.

I have attempted to model and teach my family that they need to find the things that they do well, and then develop those areas with confidence. I have never told them that they could win just by "being positive". We have allowed the to try many things, but we then discuss the outcome, make appropriate adjustments, and move on.

Sometimes that has meant that we just faced the fact that the thing we / they desired just wasn't meant for them.

An example...

When we moved to Las Vegas, I took my family to see a number of the magic shows in town.

All of a sudden, my 2 boys decided they wanted to be the next magician team to rock the city.

As a dad who wanted them to try, I "invested" quite a sum of money in the materials, stage props, and so on.

But it wasn't to be.

I won't go into details, but Seigfreid and Roy have nothing to fear. But we rejoiced in the fact that they tried, and the 2 years taught them some great lessons. And they have some great memories that many young folks never get.

A side benefit was actually meeting with and going backstage on a number of occasions with Seigfreid and Roy, David Copperfield, and Lance Burton.

Then with the girls, it has been gymnastics.

One is now a gymnastics instructor, but a couple of the others learned that the gym wasn't the place that they would be.

They found other niches.

As a father, I have had to allow my children the freedom to try many things, and fail at many things.

But when they have found that "sweet spot" in their life, I have "put the peddle to the metal" so to speak, and let them take off like a rocket.

We only have 1 daughter left at home now...and I miss some of the things that just writing this little note has brought to mind.

Though I assume the point of the story was different from what I came away with, I am thankful that the tears I have seen my children shed have been from disappointments that we as a family were able to think through, learn from, and then treasure later on in life.

I also am thankful that I have had a part in building the lives of 10 human beings who have the confidence to try just about anything, and though they may not win, they never feel like a loser.

Hmmm...


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As a recent, though older father, I hope I can reach out to my son as he grows in the way that you have done (I believe) so successfully.

I found your 'story' refreshing, invigorating and (as a father) encouraging to me.

Thank you for sharing that with me (and us)

touching upon that subject in his book "Winning Through Intimidation".

Essentially he said that no matter how much you think "positive" about something most of the factors that ultimately determine success or failure are out of your control. He suggested "hoping for the best" while "expecting the worst".

He found this perspective greatly benefitted him in business dealings. He was able to keep his emotions in check when entering negotiations and other business events where emotions could kick in and over ride good judgement.

Robert Fritz also has a big problem with positive thinking in that in essence you are lying to yourself... and by doing so you alter your sense of reality. And you need a correct sense of reality to adequetly judge any real-life situation. If your reality is screwed up you are much more likely to make incorrect choices.

Take care,

Mike Winicki

It's not about the fact that the kid failed and that the kid cried it's about the fact that the father instilled the wrong *type* of belief in him.

The best example I can think of comes from a book called Good to Great by Jim Collins.
They called an idea on positive thinking 'The Stockdale Paradox'.

Basically it means that you never waver in your belief that one day you will achieve your goal but you face the brutal reality of your situation. In this case the kid should have practised more because he wasn't good enough. That was his brutal reality. Had he really wanted it and had the belief instilled that 'one day' he would win, if he kept practising, kept working, concentrating and focusing then sooner or later he would prevail and beat the opposition.

Stockdale was a prisoner of war who survived years of torture and brutality. When asked who didn't make it, he replied 'That's easy, the optimists'. He never wavered in the belief that one day he'd go home, he just never (like the optimist) expected it by Christmas, or Easter or next year. The optimistic people did and died of a broken heart.

Positive thinking is good. It's just it has to be the right type of positive thinking.

it seems to answer a lot of questions.

Thanks for sharing that Steve. When you take James Stockdale's approach, it breeds tenacity. I believe that tenacity is one of the main keys to success.

Eventually, you learn what seems to work, and what doesn't.

Perhaps this kind of optimism is really a "belief in yourself" - that you're good enough to be able to be a success. Maybe not at this very moment, but you will succeed in the future, eventually - if you stick with it long enough!

- Dien Rice

> The best example I can think of comes from a
> book called Good to Great by Jim Collins.
> They called an idea on positive thinking
> 'The Stockdale Paradox'.

> Basically it means that you never waver in
> your belief that one day you will achieve
> your goal but you face the brutal reality of
> your situation. In this case the kid should
> have practised more because he wasn't good
> enough. That was his brutal reality. Had he
> really wanted it and had the belief
> instilled that 'one day' he would win, if he
> kept practising, kept working, concentrating
> and focusing then sooner or later he would
> prevail and beat the opposition.

> Stockdale was a prisoner of war who survived
> years of torture and brutality. When asked
> who didn't make it, he replied 'That's easy,
> the optimists'. He never wavered in the
> belief that one day he'd go home, he just
> never (like the optimist) expected it by
> Christmas, or Easter or next year. The
> optimistic people did and died of a broken
> heart.

> Positive thinking is good. It's just it has
> to be the right type of positive thinking.

I've been in one type of business or another for decades - most were of my own creation. All were entered with nothing but positive thinking and high expectations for resounding success.

Some succeeded better than others, while some failed. The failures did not dampen my positive thinking for the next encounter.

And now, as I look back, I clearly see how each added something to my experience bank and enables me to enter something new with the confidence of knowing what works and what doesn't in terms of dealing with the public and ways of promoting business.

The positive thinking (and excited anticipation) gets the ball rolling and the experiences that ensue will hone your skills that can be drawn upon for future endeavors.

That experiences that lead to failure tells me what doesn't work and therefore what to avoid.

That's been my experience and I'm very excited about the future because of it!

Lawrence

Hi Michael,

Thanks for sharing those stories & examples. You make a valid contention about the perils of "positive thinking."

However, I think it's important to look at this point a bit deeper. Especially for the budding entrepreneur, as many of us on this board can relate to the trials & tribulations of getting a business off the ground.

I think the key differentiation here is between using (or more accurately, unsuccessfully *attempting* to use) "positive thinking" -- which is a transient act; as opposed to having a positive *mindset*, which is an engrained characteristic.

This is the absolute key difference in my mind. If you've truly developed a positive mindset, then "positive thinking" won't be an isolated act as a result of a pep talk. Rather, it will be engrained and "hard wired" into the core of who the person is. And when setbacks occur, the person won't be immune to disappointment or discouragement, as those are normal, human emotions. However, his resilience, inner fortitude, and overall positive outlook will quickly allow him to turn his thoughts around to success-oriented actions and results.

Obviously this is a wide ranging topic that we could explore in tremendous depth, and volumes have been written on, but I thought it was important to first make the key distinction.

Thanks again for making that post -- it brought up a valuable topic!

Best,

Jesse

> Thanks for thinking.

> The year was... well, too many years ago
> now. The cry baby lost another tennis match
> and burst into tears, again. This was a
> weekly occurrence.

> Every week me and the other three members of
> my representative tennis team would play
> another district's rep team. Every week The
> Cry Baby would lose. Every week he would
> burst into tears.

> Odd for a fifteen year old. Odd he wasn't
> getting used to losing.

> The reason, it turns out, was his father.

> Not that he was scared his father would get
> mad at him for losing. No. Because his
> father kept geeing him up. Kept telling him
> "he was going to win,"
> "you'll beat him easy" and on and
> on and on and on and on and on and on.
> Relentlessly. Never letting up. So much so,
> the cry baby believed it.

> But when the true skill of the other player
> won the match and the cry baby lost, his
> world of positive thinking was destroyed.
> Mentally, he was devastated. The let down
> was too much to handle. Tears were the
> result.

> This is what happens when positive thinking
> doesn't pan out as planned. This is what
> happens when reality knocks on the positive
> thinking door.

> Consider the nonchalant. The neutral. The
> "don't give a rats either way."
> The "c'est la vie." The "if
> it happens it happens, if it doesn't it
> doesn't." The "don't care."
> The "in a hundred years who's gonna
> care anyway." The "it's nothing
> much in the grand scheme of things."

> Without large and positive expectations
> there can be no let down no matter what the
> outcome.

> By having low (no) expectations, you cannot
> be let down. You become emotionally detached
> from the event in question and are mentally
> free to deal with it.

> Consider the person who starts a business.
> Their expectations are HIGH. The business
> MUST generate fulltime income right away. It
> has to because it needs to replace another
> full time income.

> IF it doesn't generate fulltime income right
> away (which is more likely going to be the
> case), the budding entrepreneur gets
> disheartened. Something is wrong with the
> promotion, the product, the ideas of
> business as a whole. The "I knew it
> wouldn't work" and the "I told you
> so" people emerge. Negative thoughts
> replace the super positive one. Thoughts of
> being a failure - not "not achiving the
> desired result" but actually BEING a
> failure - flood the head. Maybe not cut out
> to be business owner. Blah blah blah.

> How about the person whose life didn't
> depend on the enterprise succeeding to
> fulltime income levels right away? They will
> "take it in their stride." They
> will philosphically look at their results,
> be able to analyse them, and move on.
> Because they expected little (or nothing),
> they cannot be let down.

> Watching the auditions of Australian Idol
> revealed the same thing. People with high
> expectations of themselves were devastated
> when they weren't "accepted" into
> the final 100. Those with little
> expectations - or who knew on some level
> they were not any good - were not
> disappointed or in any way let down.

> While positive talk might help someone
> overcome some "ill" feeling now...
> it could ultimately cause greater
> "ill" feelings down the road.

> Does that mean we should not encourage
> someone? No, not at all. There is a
> difference between encourage and positive
> thinking. Encouraging can take on many forms
> - like getting someone to understand that
> nothing "bad" will happen. For the
> worst case is usually not really that bad.
> Whereas positive thnking only focuses on the
> positive outcome - and that doesn't happen
> all the time in the really real world.

> Michael Ross

I hear ya Michael.

Nurturing and embracing extremely unrealistic expectations is probably likely, overall, to become an exercise in frustration.

It would seem that the young man's father was striving for the 'Pygmalion effect', but the 'seed planting' failed to produce the desired results.

Could that not be considered brainwashing, at least to some extent? Hmmm.....

However, I have to admit that I practiced a bit of this, too, in raising my own sons.

I didn't want to rain on their parade or squelch their dreams.

I didn't introduce my doubts into their reality.

And I probably overly encouraged them to "be all that they could be" in every way...reach for the stars, dream big dreams, etc.

It seems to me that there are so many parents in this world who have low self-esteem and just live for the moment...often merely existing in quiet despair.

And that 'state of mind' seems to 'bleed' over to their offspring. Nothing much is expected to come of their lives.

I've often thought that youth, in circumstances like that, need a least a gentle 'prod'...or someone who believed in them enough to inspire them to get their juices flowing...in order to rise above an existence where, otherwise, there would be no expectations of accomplishment.

Guess there is somewhat of a fine line to heed ... between our proud expectations as parents and the pressure we put on our children to exceed.

A wise, elderly psychologist once told me that he totally quit thinking in terms of what he desired, anticipated or expected... and changed all those words in his own mind to his "preferences"...telling himself that he preferred this {or that} to occur, but if it didn't, it wasn't going to be tied in with his happiness or peace of mind."

Perhaps it takes a mature person, however, to adopt that way of framing experiences and expectations, however.

And, to handle defeat without crumbling when expectations don't work out accordingly.

~ Amber