Warning Labels Mandated by 20th Century Physics

dno
> Bob Beckman sent this to me - it's great
> stuff. (Thanks Bob!)

> - Dien

> Warning Labels Mandated by 20th Century
> Physics

> As safety experts and concerned citizens, we
> applaud the recent trend towards legislation
> that requires the prominent placing of
> warnings on products that present hazards to
> the general public. Yet we must also offer
> the cautionary thought that such warnings,
> however well-intentioned, merely scratch the
> surface of what is really necessary in this
> important area. This is especially true in
> light of the findings of 20th century
> physics.

> Proposed New Product Warnings:

> WARNING

> This Product Warps Space and Time in Its
> Vicinity.

> WARNING

> This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of
> Matter in the Universe, Including the
> Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
> Force Proportional to the Product of the
> Masses and Inversely Proportional to the
> Distance Between Them.

> CAUTION

> The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy
> Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net
> Ounce of Weight.

> HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE

> This Product Contains Minute Electrically
> Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in
> Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per
> Hour.

> CONSUMER NOTICE

> Because of the "Uncertainty
> Principle," It Is Impossible for the
> Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
> Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast
> It Is Moving.

> ADVISORY

> There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero
> Chance That, Through a Process Known as
> "Tunneling," This Product May
> Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present
> Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in
> the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's
> Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
> Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience
> That May Result.

> READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE

> According to Certain Suggested Versions of a
> Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
> Constituting This Product May Decay to
> Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred
> Million Years.

> THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT

> In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
> Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a
> Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

> PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW

> Any Use of This Product, In Any Manner
> Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of
> Disorder in the Universe. Although No
> Liability is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is
> Warned That This Process Will Ultimately
> Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

> NOTE

> The Most Fundamental Particles in This
> Product Are Held Together by a
> "Gluing" Force About Which Little
> Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power
> Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

> ATTENTION

> Despite Any Other Listing of Product
> Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is
> Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
> Consists of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

> NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER

> The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled
> To Claim That This Product Is
> Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is
> Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights
> Above and Beyond Those Applicable to
> Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven
> New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up"
> Into Such a Small "Area" That They
> Cannot Be Detected.

> PLEASE NOTE

> Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That
> When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing
> This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will
> Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined
> State.

> COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE

> The Subatomic Particles Comprising This
> Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
> Measurable Respect as Those Used in the
> Products of Other Manufacturers, and No
> Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
> Expressed or Implied.

> HEALTH WARNING

> Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This
> Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its
> Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity
> Relative to the User.

> IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS

> The Entire Physical Universe, Including This
> Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an
> Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another
> Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the
> Existence of This Product in That Universe
> Cannot Be Guaranteed.