SOWPub Small Business Forums  
 

Click Here to see the latest posts!

Ask any questions related to business / entrepreneurship / money-making / life
or share your success stories (and educational "failures")...

Sign up for the Hidden Business Ideas Letter Free edition, and receive a free report straight to your inbox: "Idea that works in a pandemic: Ordinary housewife makes $50,000 a month in her spare time, using a simple idea - and her driveway..."

NO BLATANT ADS PLEASE
Also, please no insults or personal attacks.
Feel free to link to your web site though at the end of your posts.

Stay up to date! Get email notifications or
get "new thread" feeds here

 

Go Back   SOWPub Small Business Forums > Main Category > Original SOWPub Forum Archive
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

 
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
  #1  
Old February 18, 2003, 03:20 AM
Hal
 
Posts: n/a
Default Here's Another One For You Kerrie!

French Military Prowess Revisited

President Bush and Secretary Rumsfeld may be upset that the French are
not "assisting" us in this fight, but out here at the tip of the
spear, there is nothing but jubilation at their absence. Last thing we
need is to be carrying the French on our shoulders.

A cursory review of French military history reveals the following:

1 - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next
2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things,
an Italian.

2 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
Warfare: "French armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman."

3 - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to
ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

4 - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

5 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant but
still manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that
eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

6 - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots
as chapeaux.

7 - The Dutch War - Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher
than they look.

8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian
War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of
French military power.

9 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

10 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar
to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France
only wins when America does most of the fighting."

11 - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent
was also French.

12 - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the
First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no
match for the Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British
footwear designer.

13 - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. For the first, but certainly not
the last time, Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy to France 's
ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

14 - World War I - Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing,
France is saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les
francaise. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly, the American fascination with personal hygiene (a fascination
totally foreign to French women) incites widespread use of condoms by
American soldiers, thus precluding any improvement in the French
bloodline.

15 - World War II - A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler
and the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly through the
winter, then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler
dances in front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff
retreats to Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach
French privates how to say "I surrender" in German and French generals
to say "We surrender" in German. Conquered French liberated by the
United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst
Wessel Song and some small portion of the German work ethic. De Gaulle
of it all...

16 - First Vietnamese war (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the
scrimmage", or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is kept
on the sideline to see how the second string will play) - Lost. French
soldiers, fresh off their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a
terminal case of Dien Bien Flu.

17 - Algerian rebellion - Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten a
Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern
Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice phrase, but
it lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of
warfare for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.

18 - War on Terrorism - Lost. Incensed at not being included in the
original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it
becomes clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at
his cards and immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard
Schroeder. For good measure, he also surrenders to five million
illegal immigrants from Algeria.

The moral of the story is - give thanks to God on high that the French
are not helping us!
 


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are Off
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Other recent posts on the forum...


Seeds of Wisdom Publishing (front page) | Seeds of Wisdom Business forum | Seeds of Wisdom Original Business Forum (Archive) | Hidden Unusual Business Ideas Newsletter | Hotsheet Profits | Persuade via Remote Influence | Affia Band | The Entrepreneur's Hotsheet | The SeedZine (Entrepreneurial Ezine)

Get the report on Harvey Brody's Answers to a Question-Oriented-Person


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:49 AM.


Powered by vBulletin Version 3.6.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.