Text Marketing Machine - Flyer Critique

I’m getting ready to do a mailing to 1,000 restaurants & businesses in my town and I need to make sure I have everything ready. So please critique my flyer. I’m really trying to think of a better headline. So please help. http://textmarketingmachine.homestead.com/flyer.html

Thank You,
Jason Hatchett

Originally Posted by Jason Hatchett

I’m getting ready to do a mailing to 1,000 restaurants & businesses in my town and I need to make sure I have everything ready. So please critique my flyer. I’m really trying to think of a better headline. So please help. http://textmarketingmachine.homestead.com/flyer.html

Thank You,
Jason Hatchett

I definitely would not say this.. "Then it won’t be so hard to start paying me for my services."

This automatically makes me want to throw this flier away and only skim the rest looking for a price because I automatically think this is going to be very expensive.

Again "If you do like it and want to continue, I’ll show you my
prices"

Again, you have me thinking prices must be high if you dont wanna show me prices until I have tested it.

Even though you say its affordable, you have already conditioned me personally to think its expensive. (I still might try it if I were reading it just because its free for 30 days) But either way No reason to put negative thoughts in my mind in my opinion.


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This line was very good got me thinking wow! "97% of Text Messages Are Read Within 30
Seconds."

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And one more thing isnt there a charge for people to text those 5 digit numbers? If so dont you have to tell people before they send the text?

Great, Thank you. I've made those changes. I'm trying not to sound cocky, but confident.

Jason

It should be "you're" instead of your in the following part:
"your flooded with customers within hours."

Also, it looks like there is a space between bomb and bard, and there shouldn't be.

Originally Posted by Jason Hatchett

I’m getting ready to do a mailing to 1,000 restaurants & businesses in my town and I need to make sure I have everything ready. So please critique my flyer. I’m really trying to think of a better headline. So please help. http://textmarketingmachine.homestead.com/flyer.html

Thank You,
Jason Hatchett

White text on a black background makes for very difficult reading, to say nothing of the cost of ink for printing.

I know, this is just the color one I made. The ones I mail will be gray scale. Much cheaper to print.

Thanks,
Jason

Originally Posted by Bill

It should be "you're" instead of your in the following part:
"your flooded with customers within hours."

Also, it looks like there is a space between bomb and bard, and there shouldn't be.

I meant to say that it should be "bombard", not bomb bard.

Thanks Bill, I did change it on the master.

Jason

Jason,

It looks pretty good, and of course the only opinion that matters is your market's. But there are 2 things I'd change now.

1. Begin paragraph 1 with the sentence, "I need 5 local case studies." Then get rid of your first paragraph ("This system is so powerful ...") and replace it with a variation of your last paragraph ("I can have this set up for you tomorrow ..."). I.e., Keep the last paragraph as-is, but also use a variation of it as your first paragraph - and definitely scrap the first paragraph you currently have.

2. Change the headline to:

I'll Bring You a Flood of Customers Within Hours, Completely Free of Charge -
IF You'll Give Me A Testimonial After All Your New Customers Show Up

(If nothing else, get "text marketing machine" out of the title. It means nothing to anyone but you, and those are wasted words to your market.)

That's what I'd do.

Take care,

Richard Dennis

Thank You Richard, that's exactly what I was looking for. I've looked at other text marketing promo and most was very lame.

Many Blessings,
Jason