And therein is the reason . . .

I visit this forum everyday.

Today started out to be one of those "woe is me" days. I'm racing to build an offline business, working on a website, while keeping thoughts of poverty and hunger at bay. (managing, barely, on unemployment.) Needless to say, all that serves to cloud my thinking, and increase my fear.

My focus became a bit clearer earlier when I read the "Harvey Brody" thread. There, Gordon wrote about his 'eclectic' experiences with a company, and explained how outside influences had nudged him in one direction or another.

I identified exactly with that! In my "corporate" job, I got a 'taste' of everything. But rather than thinking just how valuable it was to have those experiences, I've been focusing on how awful it was that I didn't specialize.

I was 'nudged' first to Education, by a highschool teacher who recognized that I had a mind that should be developed in college. We have a small, inexpensive college right here, and he offered to pay my first semester's tuition - trusting that I would somehow continue to my degree. [He didn't have to, and THAT story is one I'll save for another time!] But teaching was to be an interim measure, something to provide an income while I discovered what I REALLY wanted to do.

I truly enjoyed my earlier years as a teacher, and spent no time looking for my 'passion.' I quit when it was no longer fun. (While teaching is an option for me, I refuse to do harm to children by being less than thrilled to be helping them!) And that's when the second 'nudge' came along.

I wound up in a large corporation, changing functions every 2 or 3 years, often enough that I'd be doing something new and interesting before it became boring. Again, I paid no attention to what I wanted. I simply endured.

You point out - as does Joe Vitale - that [it] can be another way. Rather than have life just 'happen' to me, I can choose what it will be. I know very well what I DON'T want. The trick is that once that's identified, I need to construct a view of what I want that is real in my mind, and give it the energy in thought that I'm wasting by dwelling on my present reality.

I will admit to you that I'm a bit afraid of what I DO want. (Ok, I'm a WHOLE LOT afraid of it.) I've bounced around the 'net for years looking for my niche, only to be overwhelmed by the creativity and ingenuity of others. It causes me to doubt my own ability, and that doubt just gets added to all that other negative stuff that's holding me back.

I had a thought the other night just before I fell asleep. I'd been thinking of what I want, and how to build that into a business. I remember thinking "all I really want is to write."

Of course, that little negative voice yelled "you can't write! What would you write about? And who'd want to read it, anyway?"

Just before I fell asleep, I thought "all I really have to give is me." And that thought will not leave me.

There must be something in my life that speaks to others, that offers help and hope. Otherwise, what has it been for?

This forum - today's threads - give me hope. And for that, I thank you.

Mary