Richard Dennis
April 2, 2011, 08:13 AM
Jason,
It looks pretty good, and of course the only opinion that matters is your market's. But there are 2 things I'd change now.
1. Begin paragraph 1 with the sentence, "I need 5 local case studies." Then get rid of your first paragraph ("This system is so powerful ...") and replace it with a variation of your last paragraph ("I can have this set up for you tomorrow ..."). I.e., Keep the last paragraph as-is, but also use a variation of it as your first paragraph - and definitely scrap the first paragraph you currently have.
2. Change the headline to:
I'll Bring You a Flood of Customers Within Hours, Completely Free of Charge -
IF You'll Give Me A Testimonial After All Your New Customers Show Up
(If nothing else, get "text marketing machine" out of the title. It means nothing to anyone but you, and those are wasted words to your market.)
That's what I'd do.
Take care,
Richard Dennis
It looks pretty good, and of course the only opinion that matters is your market's. But there are 2 things I'd change now.
1. Begin paragraph 1 with the sentence, "I need 5 local case studies." Then get rid of your first paragraph ("This system is so powerful ...") and replace it with a variation of your last paragraph ("I can have this set up for you tomorrow ..."). I.e., Keep the last paragraph as-is, but also use a variation of it as your first paragraph - and definitely scrap the first paragraph you currently have.
2. Change the headline to:
I'll Bring You a Flood of Customers Within Hours, Completely Free of Charge -
IF You'll Give Me A Testimonial After All Your New Customers Show Up
(If nothing else, get "text marketing machine" out of the title. It means nothing to anyone but you, and those are wasted words to your market.)
That's what I'd do.
Take care,
Richard Dennis
