need confidence

> Need answers and insights from your
> experience
> on *confidence*...
> what causes a lack of confidence?

Hi Sandy,

The reason I'm interested in your sex, is because men and women lose (and gain) their confidence in different ways.

My assumption is made on the iVillage e-mail, I spend a lot of time at iVillage and think it has some great stuff. Stuff that many men will never get.

Women lack confidence based on two things, the way they were educated, and personal experiences.

Now, I'm not a psychologist, but I like to play one on the Internet, HA!

I will post the PICTOGRIGM of PAST EXPERIENCES this afternoon, and this will be of value to you Sandy.

My TRIAD is this:

Doubt is the shadow of your fear.

Confidence is the reflection of your experience.

Action is the revelation of your faith.

If you are in DOUBT, and lack Confidence, it is usually a result of past events.

ON the POL, you will see these events create stimuli, which go into your brain, and with enough stimulation a neural pathway is made, which as you see on the POL affects your body.

OK, I won't get real technical here.

But what Richard Dennis says is right on, and I'm going to tell you why. He says:

"Today, I’d say confidence starts with something you know for sure, absolutely, unshakably. When you absolutely know something is true, life can’t throw you off your confidence, no matter what challenges it brings you.

And if you say there’s nothing you know for sure, look harder. Find something. Create something. Build on it."

Let me tell you what I know that perhaps could be the cornerstone of your new FOUNDATION of confidence.

Sandy, there is NO one in the world like you. Never has been. Never will be.

So what? It means that you are unique. And that within that uniqueness lies the "seeds" of your future harvests.

It has been my experience as a social worker that women get pounded on by men. Sadly, that is also literally as well as figuratively.

We are in a transition. The men have ruled the world for almost 5,000 years, and have managed to muck it up pretty good. If the women don't come to our rescue soon, we're headed toward hard times indeed.

Now, of course I am assuming, and Sandy, if you are a guy, then read and re-read what Richard has posted...it really is the way to build confidence.

But find the "one thing" that you know for certain and start building around that.

For women, it is HARDER. WE make it more difficult for them. WE don't appreciate (and mainly because we don't know how to) their contributions, their efforts.

I'm far from patronizing women, I know better than that. They DON'T NEED my patronage, they have my RESPECT.

Andt that is the KEY to confidence. RESPECT.

Right now Sandy you don't have any RESPECT for your own ideas, for your own voice, for your own opinions.

Where this doubt came from, you can see later on the Pictogrigm of Past Experiences.

But to get to the third part of the TRIAD, you have to turn and face the sun, SEE? Because when you face the sun, you don't see the shadows of doubt.

You feel the warmth. You get the same as everyone else. You are not denied the sun's energy...it is not a respecter of people.

So, if you are entitled to receive the benefit from the sun, then you can begin again to belive that you are WORTHY, that you are just as entitled to it as anyone else.

Then you reflect upon your past experiences, and make a list of your successes. Like Richard says, write these things down.

They don't have to be big major deals, but important little triumphs you've filed away and perhaps have forgotten about.

Perhaps in school, or at home, or in an activity, or in a relationship or somewhere at sometime you felt APPRECIATED and that reinforced your confidence.

Let's look at the POA and plug a goal in.

CONFIDENCE. First, you have to define it in experiential detail, what does it mean to you Sandy?

What would you do with your confidence? How would it change things for you?

Then, like with all goals, you have to start up the path, but EXIT 1 is especially attractive, because how can you go to BELIEF without confidence? Kind of a Catch 22- cart before the horse type thing.

This is where the MOTIVATION plays a part, knowing how much better your life is going to be, the promise of a better tomorrow, can be used to PULL you into belief and toward your goal.

Now, if you haven't seen the POA or the DOL, you are totally confused...and that's OK too for now.

People who have lost self-confidence spend a lot of time in confusion...but this is a way to break out of it.

HOW? By setting little goals. Daily ones. HOURLY if necessary.

Then they BUILD upon that success. And it is PERSONAL, it is important to you, no matter what anyone else thinks or says, and in fact you should shield yourself during these "baby" steps, especially from friends and loved ones, because they are the first to undermine your effort.

But,then you build, daily. Weekly. Monthly. And yearly. While you are pursuing the goal, time is going by, as you FOCUS in, and cut out the STIMULI that creates so many problems, you will slowly, steadily gain confidence again.

YOU dont have to spend a lot of time in the past, just long enough to identify some of the past stumbling blocks, some of the confidence breakers in your life.

Then, set your goal. KNOW that you are worthy of obtaining your goal, KNOW that dreams are the divine whispers of possibility into still open hearts.

CONFIDENCE is reached the same as all goals,

KNOW what you want and WHY...

Develop a plan...

Adjust and continue...

Live in the WOW of NOW...know that goals reached are on the lifeline, there are no mountain tops to stop and say, "I've arrived"...it is a journey...and you have a uniqueness to offer to this world Sandy, that NO ONE else can give to it.

I'm CONFIDENT of that. I'm CONFIDENT that you will regain yours.

If you would care to e-mail me on this, feel free.

Respectfully,

Gordon Alexander